Dabbling into the business field when I started working at my uncle's electronic store in China at age thirteen
This is a little long and wordy, especially to start your essay with. I would break the first part up into two sentences.
"I began to dabble in the business field at age thirteen when I started working at my uncle's electronic store. I was entrusted with..."
Such an experience catalyzed my interest in business, though my understanding was still vague.
I would switch this around to
"Though my understanding was still vague, the experience catalyzed my interest in business."
Therefore, urging myself
Consider "So when the time came to chose a path/career, I urged myself..."
courses such as SOC 145/345 Nations, Regions & the Global Econom
Great reference to their actual coursework. It shows the admissions officers that you cared enough about getting into their school that you have already looked up classes you are interested in taking. Really shows initiative. I think you may have a little typo though. Economy? Economics?
global perspective due to the Global Education Office for Education
You do say global quite a bit. Education too. With "global, I know you can't help it being in the name of the classes so maybe switch out the "global" that is not in a title for something like "universal". I would hit Ctrl+F and see if you can eliminate some of those globals.
values of other cultures can allow me
Possibly "will allow me"?
Service Learning program and make changes through the DukeEngage program
Again, impressive reference to actual facts.
a new immigrant
Consider "as an immigrant"
I can see myself identify with them
"I can see myself identifying" or "I identify with"
my own worthiness
Not gonna lie, this phrase is just a little bit weird.
so excited
In general, don't use so in a paper.
not only can I pursue my passion for teaching, but also help others
"Not only could I pursue my passion for teaching, but I could also help others"
Educational Group
I don't know much about the field but I don't know what this means. Maybe more detail?
Nice paper but you sound like you're trying to use all the vocab words you know and beat out Faulkner for the longest functional sentence record. I realize Duke is a prestigious school and maybe they prefer you to write like this but I do think they'd like to hear a bit of the student's voice.
I hope I wasn't too rough on you. The paper is really well written and I think you've got a good shot at getting in. Good luck on getting in!
Also, I recently posted a thread and if you'd look over mine as well, it would be much appreciated.