"Civic engagement is a cornerstone of the Duke experience"

If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

Dabbling into the business field when I started working at my uncle's electronic store in China at age thirteen, I was entrusted with negotiating with customers, closing sales and collecting money. Such an experience catalyzed my interest in business, though my understanding was still vague. Therefore, urging myself to delve into the real business world once I came to America, I explored a paid marketing internship at Heart to Heart, a small international business that trades with China through E-commerce. Browsing through the Duke website, I am ecstatic to find out Duke's interdisciplinary Marketing and Management certificate program which will prepare me for my future career in business. While developing my interests in marketing through a liberal arts education, I can also explore the global economy through courses such as SOC 145/345 Nations, Regions & the Global Econom. With my cross-cultural background and an intention of studying international business, Duke will provide me with a quintessential platform to get a global perspective due to the Global Education Office for Education. Through the program, my foreign encounter with the different economic, cultural, and political values of other cultures can allow me to carry out a practical application of the theoretical knowledge of global economy that I gain in classroom setting at Trinity.

In addition, President Brodhead's eloquent words "Civic engagement is a cornerstone of the Duke experience," resonate with my conviction of pursuing a minor in Education at Trinity. Growing up in a teacher's family and with an ardent love of teaching others, I can see my deep-rooted desire reach fruition by committing myself to the Service Learning program and make changes through the DukeEngage program. Due to my personal struggles as a new immigrant and my experience of tutoring economically and socially disadvantaged students, I can see myself identify with them, understand their needs, and give them more customized advice; therefore, the Action Research Projects in the Service Learning program intrigues me to engage civically and make an impact by disseminating knowledge as well as realizing my own worthiness. Furthermore, when I noticed the DukeEngage program in Zhuhai, China, I was so excited that not only can I pursue my passion for teaching, but also help others by exposing the students to education that they have never before accessed. My fluency in Chinese can also help me and other peers communicate effectively with those kids. I hope one day in the future, I will leverage the knowledge of both Business and Education as well as other rich experiences I get from Duke and start an Educational Group to live my dream.

This is a little long and wordy, especially to start your essay with. I would break the first part up into two sentences.
"I began to dabble in the business field at age thirteen when I started working at my uncle's electronic store. I was entrusted with..."


I would switch this around to
"Though my understanding was still vague, the experience catalyzed my interest in business."


Consider "So when the time came to chose a path/career, I urged myself..."


Great reference to their actual coursework. It shows the admissions officers that you cared enough about getting into their school that you have already looked up classes you are interested in taking. Really shows initiative. I think you may have a little typo though. Economy? Economics?


You do say global quite a bit. Education too. With "global, I know you can't help it being in the name of the classes so maybe switch out the "global" that is not in a title for something like "universal". I would hit Ctrl+F and see if you can eliminate some of those globals.


Possibly "will allow me"?


Again, impressive reference to actual facts.


Consider "as an immigrant"


"I can see myself identifying" or "I identify with"


Not gonna lie, this phrase is just a little bit weird.


In general, don't use so in a paper.


"Not only could I pursue my passion for teaching, but I could also help others"


I don't know much about the field but I don't know what this means. Maybe more detail?

Nice paper but you sound like you're trying to use all the vocab words you know and beat out Faulkner for the longest functional sentence record. I realize Duke is a prestigious school and maybe they prefer you to write like this but I do think they'd like to hear a bit of the student's voice.

I hope I wasn't too rough on you. The paper is really well written and I think you've got a good shot at getting in. Good luck on getting in!

Also, I recently posted a thread and if you'd look over mine as well, it would be much appreciated.

I believe you should break the essay into more paragraphs. You could add some more detail perhaps.

for Duke, I am only allowed to write one or two paragraphs though? so what should I do? do you think it is not detailed enough?

im sorry, i didn't know about the two paragraph limit. then its fine perhaps.