Hi Everyone, I am working on the U of Illinois - Urbana application essay now.
I'm a bad writer. Please be critic, and any suggestions would be appreciated!
Choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it. (300 words)
Being the principle clarinetist of the school orchestra, I regard playing the clarinet as a part of my life. Every time I step onto the stage, playing a symphony with my mates, I feel my heart beating with the music, as the rich and translucent sound from the clarinet has been fused with my soul.
I was first exposed to clarinet when I was 9. I had never thought such beautiful music could flow from a black wooden tube, before I passed by that music instrument store near my school. I was so deeply attracted to the rich sound from the clarinet then, that i made up my mind immediately to master this elegant instrument anyhow. Later, when I started my junior high school life in 2005, I took part in the school orchestra without hesitation.
It is very demanding to be in the school orchestra, and everyone in the orchestra has to learn teamwork and compromise. When we play in an orchestra, it is very different from the solos. This is not the time for individuals to show off, but to co-operate with other players in the team, and try to make the whole orchestra sparkling. During the performance, every player in the orchestra needs to pay attention to the conductor as well as other players' rhythms, and always be prepared to adjust his or her playing speed at any time
Through playing the clarinet, I have not only found a way to release the daily pressure, but also benefitted from the teamwork required to play in the orchestra: In order to maintain the harmony of the whole orchestra, compromises must be made between the team members. And this is the exactly what we should do in our real lives, outside the school theater.
*Your second paragraph felt very distanced from the essay as a whole. I think you should elaborate on the difficulties you had with the clarinet and give greater details on the transition from hard to play to joy to play. Also, do not use contractions such as isn't or I'm in a formal essay. Lastly, the conclusion should have a clearer answer to the question of how it benefited you.*
I had never thought such beautiful music could flow from a black wooden tube until before I passed by visited that music instrument store near my school.
...daily pressure, but also benefited from the teamwork...
This is very good. All the revisions paid off!
It is very demanding to be in the school orchestra, and everyone in the orchestra has to learn teamwork and compromise. Let's sacrifice this sentence to free up some words to use in one more -- very thoughtful and brilliant -- sentence at the very end of the essay.
