Hi, it's my Common application essay.
ABout a moral experience and its impact on you
Any harsh comments and critique are good
As the most desired holiday in every student's life, New Year, with its vivid party and
colorful performances was waiting for me. I was one of the organizers of my class's
performances for holidays. We were responsible for a performance, its music and speeches
of everyone - all ideas which represented our class on the school stage. Nobody wanted to
come to classes and study; all breathed fresh air outside, leaving the classroom and
feeling the coming cheerful atmosphere of the New Year.
I, along with the other three organizers had to put together the class perforamnce and finally decide the
main play's team and ideas about music, costumes, roles. I shouted in the class " Listen to me, guys, we have five more days to get prepared for the competition with the
Russian classes and make an outstanding play! " Zhazira, an organizer and a successful
student suggested, "Guys, what do you think about setting the movie "The
Irony of fate or enjoy your bath" ? It is an old movie which was made in the early eighties
and admired by both our parents' and teachers' generation. I was thinking about it the
whole night yesterday. What do you guys think? I think it's a brilliant idea!" Her words
literally killed me, as I thought I would proudly be presenting my idea about "Irony of
fate" to my classmates.
Zhazira was one of the group of organizers, and was a friend of mine. When she asked me
to share ideas, I certainly did so without doubts. However, the result was that Zhazira
became a scriptwriter of the performance and got recognition from our teacher. My
reaction was to maintain a correct relationship with her as I believed that due credit
to my creativity and intellectual abilities would eventually follow. Instead of trying to
prove to other classmates and the teacher that the idea was mine, I tried to support
Zhazira in implementing my ideas, the help she much needed.
Eventually, during preparations, together with Zhazira we added more bright moments to
the performance, replacing the old Russian characters from "The irony of fate" into
Kazakh traditional family members, who represented Kazakh culture and later appeared to
be more familiar and interesting to the audience. Besides, we could additionally make a
short humorous performance to raise a joyful atmosphere. While being deeply involved in
the presentation, I forgot about Zhazira's deception. Even though the performance was not
the best, we got respect and recognition for the plot from our teachers, parents and peers in
school. This experience showed me how enthusiasm, hard-work and love of what one is
doing can bring him up to the results that he doesn't even expect; and how diplomacy and
communication skills, not always competence and never a deception could make one
successful in his endeavors.
I actually think this is a great essay! It's a solid story.
It's clear your a good writer:)
A few pointers: I think this essay is a bit lengthy ; as in there is a lot of stylistic description that may not serve much purpose to the thesis. For example, you talk about how "colourful " and nice New Years is as a holiday, but what does that serve to your influence?
"Eventually, during preparations, together with Zhazira we added more bright moments to
the performance, replacing the old Russian characters from "The irony of fate" into
Kazakh traditional family members, who represented Kazakh culture and later appeared to
be more familiar and interesting to the audience. Besides, we could additionally make a
short humorous performance to raise a joyful atmosphere."
this part is kinda plot driven, maybe try to reshape or somehow incorporate the moral decision and impact on you?
hope you didn't think that was harsh, just a personal opinion :)
check out mine when your free? could use your help!
