What can I do to make it not bad...? Is it too long?
Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you achieve your goals.
Since I can long remember I've always been possessed by the desire of wanting to be as smart as possible, to gain as much knowledge as I can, and to be able to use it. I guess it can be attributed in part to my mother's insistence on education, since she was a chemistry teacher, and I'd like to imagine it is because of her that I've always had an affinity for the sciences and a wonder for the unknown. As a child, I craved knowledge; I wanted to know WHY things worked the way they did, I wanted to understand HOW things worked the way they did, and I wanted to see if I can make them better. Back then I had no idea what I wanted in life, or how to spend it. Even now, as an eighteen year old on the cusp of adulthood, I still don't have a firm idea, and I continue balk in awe when discovering something new. But what I do know is that I want to learn; to learn what makes up my hands, and pencils that those hands will hold to write notes on the paper that will help me to understand exactly what lays the foundations of our universe and the principles that govern it. So, with these ideals in mind I deliberately put myself into the activities that would best produce such results, and by entering into everything I decided to pursue with the same amount of passion for enlightenment- be it AP classes, or UIL events, or most importantly Academic Decathlon - by putting forth my best effort in each I was able to develop the skills need that would and will help me in my quest.
My goals now are the same as they have always been: to continue gaining information, to continue seeking knowledge in and outside of the classroom, and to find some way to know the "unknown unknowns" in order to better understand myself and the world around me.
Growing up on a small ranch in the middle of los montes brush country of South Texas, I was able to see nature up close, and observe the beauty hidden behind it's natural processes and cycles by experiencing it happen before me. Watching the sagebrush bloom, and beholding how green the land becomes in the spring, then watching it turn to cold barren earth in the rainy winter season taught me that there is order to the seeming chaos. Raising steers and lambs for our local National FFA Organization chapter and showing as an exhibitor since I was in the fifth grade gave me the capacity to uphold responsibility, not just for the animals in my care but also towards my scholarly studies as a student.
It wasn't until I had decided to join the Academic Pentathlon program as a seventh grader that my horizons were expanded. Before all I'd ever known lie solely in the many science fiction novels I poured over and whatever was dumped upon me in class. But there, in that classroom during the late afternoons of group study I was introduced into the cultures of other countries, the histories of past times, and the philosophies of people long before me. I grew intellectually and continued to benefit from what I learned outside of my normal classes. As a feeder program for later Decathlon, it would not be as encompassing, but nonetheless excitingly rigorous and equally the challenge I desired. However, come my freshman year I had no idea what I was getting into with Decathlon. Suddenly, besides mere history and literature and science- subjects I believed myself strong in- we were thrown art and music, and the very thought of having to speak formally in front of a panel of judges sent shivers down my spine. Little did I know then just how helpful and worthwhile it'd all be for the long term in preparing me for college.
In the Essay event, writing over topics I learned about based on the annual theme taught me to formulate an argument and put it into coherent sentences. Speech and Interview rid me of my timidity and allowed me to speak in front of another human being without shaking myself from nervousness. I learned higher math, acquired an appreciation for art, and found that music is more than just sound. The way I began to think was permanently altered for the better, and my intellectual understanding of the human experience on Earth in the various contexts of different cultures was broadened. But most importantly, Academic Decathlon taught me how to teach myself; I learned how to learn, to study, that results equal the amount of time you spend and the effort you give. Time management is another key skill I was bestowed. In order to know the vast tract of information I needed to compete at a state level, I had to learn how to prepare a plan and put it into action. Through this I was able to develop the scholarly skills applicable not just to Decathlon and UIL Social Studies (a more specific form of historical study), but also my classes, and I began to find balancing curricular with extra curricular a lot simpler. My passion for acquiring knowledge was reflected in class, and my AP scores are evidence. After high school, in college and in life beyond, I know that this devotional thirst for removing the fog about the unknown will help me to succeed and triumph in all of my future pursuits.
Ultimately, I find no greater goal in life than to sit down at a desk, with a pen in my hand and paper before me, and to write down all of that which I have learned so far, and to combine all of my then presently collected experiences and knowledge into something for the hopes that it might later save a life; or save time, work, energy; or make simpler the daily burdens for all people. By learning more about the world around me, and understanding the fundamental laws that create it, I might better contribute to society with the vision of a world where scientific advancements will end rampant poverty, end world hunger, solve the impending energy crisis, and stop global warming as caused by increased fossil fuel usage. Though it is uncertain, I see potential in the endless possibilities of the future. Mary Shelley once said, "Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist in creating out of void but out of chaos." and that is exactly what I intend to do: to bring order to the seeming chaos. What I do now weighs heavily upon my future, and so my actions today are but a mirror to what the future will behold.
Dustin, you are not really portraying any actual goals in your essay. You are just flitting about, discussing abstract interests that do not prove your academic or extra curricular dedication to your specific major. When the essay asks you to discuss your goals in relation to your academic and extra curricular activities at present and in the future, there are only 2 topics that you have to discuss. The first is your current academic and extra curricular engagement in relation to your major and relaxation time respectively, then, discuss how you see your subjects and social activities in college relating to that past. It has to be a seamless continuation of the past to the present, to your future if possible.
The essay currently reminds me of a rambling bush that doesn't gather any dust. While you have said so much in the essay, there is no real essence to what you are saying. You are merely exercising your creative writing skills at this point. What is your major in college? How does your previous participation in the decathalon related to your future plans? Is this academic or extra curricular in nature for you? You need to be specific and imply which parts of the prompts you are addressing with your statements in order to give it a sense of direction.
Your ultimate goal cannot simply be to record everything you have learned. We no longer live in those times of whimsical fancy. You need to have an actual goal or objective for attending college and you should be able to narrate it to the reviewer in a highly interesting manner. The essay definitely needs to be cut down by focusing it on various prompt requirements. I hope that you can try to focus your responses properly by yourself. It will be a tad difficult for me to do that for you.
Dustin, first of all, to answer your question, your essay is indeed quiet longer than the average essay that answers this prompt,
however, as you don't have word restrictions, the length of the essay should not be your worry at this point.
What you have to consider and this is true to any of your writing pieces in the future is that, does your essay
respond to the prompt?
If yes, then your good to go, if not or you have doubts, the you have EF, well, overall, your essay is fine, fine because
there are a few elements of the essay that's working well but it's not streamlined to what the purpose of the essay is, it's
not focused to answer what the prompt is asking you to write.
Let me simplify the question to your prompt.
What influenced you to keep a goal for the future?
Surround your essay with the answer to this question and you will have a re- directed essay
that fits exactly what the essay is rooting for you to write about.
I hope to see your revised essay posted soon.
I hope I did better... Thank you all so much!
As a child, I craved knowledge; I wanted to know WHY things worked the way they did, I wanted to understand HOW things worked the way they did, and I wanted to see if I can make them better. Back then I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. But now, as an eighteen year old on the cusp of adulthood, I've come to realize that what I want most in life is to continue my quest for knowledge and understanding of the foundations of our universe, and the principles that govern it, for the purposes of discovering myself through the physical world about me. So, with these ideals in mind I deliberately put myself into the activities that would best produce such results, and by entering into everything I decided to pursue with the same amount of passion for enlightenment- be it AP classes, or UIL events, or most importantly Academic Decathlon - by putting forth my best effort in each I was able to develop the skills needed that would and will help me to do what I plan; I want to become a physicist, to learn the laws of nature that guide us all, to feed my thirst for knowledge as a scholar of science, and most importantly, I want to make a difference in this world.
Growing up on a small ranch in the middle of los montes brush country of South Texas, I was able to see nature up close, and observe the beauty hidden behind it's natural processes and cycles by experiencing it happen before me. Watching the sagebrush bloom, and beholding how green the land becomes in the spring, then watching it turn to cold barren earth in the rainy winter season taught me that there is order to the seeming chaos. I learned that energy is manifest in everything that surrounds us- in the chair one might sit on, or as burning coal powering a plant, or even as food in the steers I raised as a National FFA Organization exhibitor for my area's local chapter.
Academic Decathlon and UIL Social Studies expanded my capacity for discovery outside of the classroom, and I was able to learn vast amounts of information without direct instruction. In fact, it was through studying in Decathlon that I was introduced to how science progressed all aspects of life in the past, and what new technological advancements the future holds store for us, in addition to my awareness of the environmental consequences our current means of producing energy has created, and how my interests in the chemical aspects and physical processes were wrought. Decathlon taught me how to teach myself; I learned how to learn on my own, and I took that skill and applied it to both UIL Social Studies and my AP classes, as my scores reflect. Taking biology as a junior tied everything I'd learned so far into the specific natural processes, and I saw the connections between all organisms.
Ultimately, though I may be just one person, I believe I can make a difference, no matter how small, that by my desire to learn more about the world around me, and understand the fundamental laws that create it, I might better contribute to society with the vision of a world where scientific advancements will end rampant poverty, end world hunger, solve the impending energy crisis, or even stop global warming as caused by increased fossil fuel usage. Though it is uncertain, I see potential in the endless possibilities of the future. Mary Shelley once said, "Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist in creating out of void but out of chaos." and that is exactly what I intend to do: to bring order to the seeming chaos. What I do now weighs heavily upon my future, and so my actions today are but a mirror to what the future will behold.
Dustin, the revised essay is indeed shorter than the first one and absolutely better than the first one too.
You see the difference when you just write what is asked of you to write and go direct to the point,
go straight forward all the time unless directed to get creative in your essay.
Now, the structure of the essay is also better this time as you have reduced it form six paragraphs
to four paragraphs only. The key to a successful essay or any writing piece that you will do is to go straight
to the point and make sure that you understand why you're writing it and the purpose of the essay is.
I hope my insights make a little reference in your view on writing in general.
Best of luck!
