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"I am clean, but not tidy" - Stanford roomate essay


thephoebster 1 / -  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Please tell me if I ever grow a mustache. This sounds funny, but I say it because I like honesty. Not brutal honesty, or telling people things they don't need to know just to hurt them. I like people who tell it like it is, and who tell you things you need to hear. I enjoy people who say what they think, and who aren't afraid to toss out interesting ideas, even if they might be flawed. In short, I thrive on spontaneous, enthusiastic, free-ranging discussions about a whole range of topics from music to art to experiences and feelings. In turn, I am very upfront. I don't dabble around subjects and leave people wondering what my opinions are. My writing, too, is direct, short, and concise. I'm a communicator.

I write poems about my life and I write letters to my friends. Not emails or notes, but real letters with stamps. This is, of course, partially selfish, because handwritten letters are these wonderful, lost experiences that I appreciate. Real letters are different from email. There is handwriting, uniquely individual, and sometimes there is sealing wax, and, if you are lucky, a drawing or two. In a rapidly changing world, we sometimes lose things. Letter writing is a lost art and a lost intimacy that fascinates me.

Another thing you should know is that I am clean, but not tidy. My side of the room will quickly fill up with things that mean something to me. Of all the things in my room at home, the thing I love best is the wall of handprints, where my friends each dipped their hands in paint, stamped them on the wall, and signed them, forming an arch around the doorway. It reminds me of an aboriginal cave in Australia; I can be very attached to symbols. Perhaps this is why I love Latin, Spanish, poetry, music, and Math.

After what I've said so far, it might surprise you that I am a social introvert. I moved to Ithaca, New York at age 13 after growing up on a 2,200 acre "ranch" owned by UC Berkeley. Perhaps growing up in solitude and nature influenced me in this way, but I do need time alone if only to curl up with a book and recharge my batteries.

Please help! Thank you

yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
great job! your essay cleverly describes the different aspect of your life, and really conveys how unique you are.

love the mail part, it's a lost art indeed

my only suggestion: hold back on the you's. with you's, your essay sounds informal, which isn't bad since your tone is very light, but you should remember that your audience is still the admin, not your roommate.

but I do need time alone if only to curl up with a book

weird syntax.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #3
is that I am clean, but not tidy.

I think you have to write something after this sentence that explains what you mean by it. It sounds like you are saying you keep things sanitary and organized but not necessarily without clutter.

Separate the 2 halves of every compound sentence with a comma:
I write poems about my life, and I write letters to my friends.

You project a great personality with this; I think it'll be well-received. And as far as I can tell, you have no mustache.
smileypeace 2 / 11  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
"This sounds funny, but I say it because I like honesty"

The word 'like' is too informal. Try replacing it with 'value honesty.'

You use the word 'things' too much- try replacing it with (items, mementos)

another thought: it might not be a good idea to mention uc berkley
Logical_Fella_C - / 33  
Dec 17, 2009   #5
Wow, I really get a good idea of who you are by reading this essay.

I agree with yang that the frequent use of "you"s and "like"s is not so desirable.

In a rapidly changing world, we sometimes lose things. Letter writing is a lost art and a lost intimacy that fascinates me.

How about taking out "we sometimes lose things" and combining these two sentences? Just a suggestion.

Also,

handwritten letters are these wonderful, lost experiences that I appreciate.

Letter writing is a lost art and a lost intimacy that fascinates me.

These two essentially mean the same.

Another thing you should know is that I am clean, but not tidy.

Haha, so am I.

Oh, and shouldn't "Math" be spelled with a small m?
Hadiqa 1 / 7  
Dec 17, 2009   #6
Hello,

First of all, I like your essay. It surely is concise and deliver clear thoughts. I agree with all other contributors with their comments. I would change sentence structure a little. Please don't mind, if you don't agree with the following:

Please tell me if I should ever grow a mustache. This sounds funny, but I say it because I value (per smileypeace suggestion) like honesty. Not brutal honesty, or telling people hurtful things, which they don't need to know just to hurt them . I like people who tell the truth as isit like it is , and who tell thingstruth in neutralized mannerone needs to hear . I regard peopleI enjoy people who express their opinionssay what they think , and who aren't afraid to toss out interesting ideas, even if they might be flawed. In short, I thrive on spontaneous, enthusiastic, and free-ranging discussions about a whole range of topics from music to art to experiences and feelings. In turn, I am very upfront. I don't dabble around subjects and leave people wondering about my opinionswhat my opinions are . My writing, too, is direct, short, and concise. I'm a communicator.

cheers!


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