Hi everyone!
Sorry for last minute cramming, but I've made two drafts for this prompt, and I'm unsure which way to go. I've considered the question for a while, and I was very uneasy about directly saying what kind of person I am like I've seen in other examples like saying "I'm kind and thoughtful" when the prompt says to "reveal" yourself, so like a "show, don't tell". I either considered this a note of introduction or a note/reminder, so I didn't think dumping a whole about me story would be any help. Also the short questions already ask what stuff you like, so I think I might change some things if I have to.
So as you read these drafts, my main question is what type of person do you think I am after reading these essays? You can give feedback and comment, but I guess the most important part is figuring out what a stranger would be able to see from just reading a note.
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (250 word limit)
Draft 1A (242 words)
Hey friend!
I'm at the library by now, so I won't be back until around 6pm. I don't know when you'll be reading this, but I didn't wake you up this time because you were sleeping like a rock and you looked really tired, so I left you some of your favorite cookies on your desk. If you want more, the whole box we bought yesterday is on my desk, so take as much as you want.
Oh. Friendly reminder that today's Saturday. I've already cleaned up my side of the room before I left, so you should clean up your side today, too. I'm usually not strict about how you organize your things, but this week it's urgent. My mom just called in unexpectedly this morning that she's visiting tomorrow on Sunday, and remember last time she saw how messy our room was? But don't worry, if there's heavy stuff you can't move by yourself, I'll help you when I get back.
Also, sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but the Tenth Doctor DVDs we ordered last week just came in today. I haven't picked them up yet because they arrived long after I left the building, so can you pick up the delivery? That way we can marathon them tonight when I get home and we finish cleanup!
I hope this was helpful, but if you need me to get anything on my way back, just text me!
Love,
Kim
Draft 2A (242 words)
Hello friend!
It looks like you found this note before I could see you in person, but that's no problem! Just leave half of the dorm for me if you came earlier than me. But greetings aside, we need to prepare for our first meeting! I am very sure I'll be very lost, even though I've visited Stanford many times!
So do you think you can help your silly roommate a bit? I'm sure it's busy on the first few days, so I'll make sure I'll be wearing a salmon colored jacket and olive green jeans so you can see me easily and my phone number's at the bottom, if you need it.
So what are we going to do when we do meet up? If you've never been to the Bay Area, I'll be happy to show you around! I've lived in San Jose all my life, so I'll be the perfect guide!
But I really want to know if you like Pokemon so we can play it together, or maybe you like Doctor Who? I haven't finished the show past the Tenth Doctor, so maybe we can marathon the show on our free time. But if you don't like any of those things, then that's perfectly fine! Maybe there other common interests we share.
In short, I am happy to be chosen as your roommate, and I hope we'll learn more about each other in due time.
With love,
Kim
Ok, so aside from revising this first draft which i say is best, thank you so much for assisting me on my essay Kim!!
Now their both really good and original but, draft 1A is more captivating of your personality and openness !!
Hey friend!
Really love the flow, and originality of your essay. some things to consider are; maybe try to loosen up on a few of the details( i know that sounds bad but, be more intermittent ) . Other than that it is very well written. It speaks more loudly of you and depicts you wholly as a person through the usage of the actions which you go through in the text.
Kim, both are great essays that captivated me! You come up as a really likeable person. I would be glad to find out you were my roommate ! I agree with Sagal, the first one really shows who you are with a better flow :)
God luck !
