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'cleared to leave the hospital' - Common App

dynamo 2 / 3  
Dec 14, 2011   #1
Please write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

I was about 9 years old when I had just been cleared to leave the hospital as I placed the new crutches; I had received as a result of injuring my hip, underneath my arms and began hobbling our way to the exit. As we went along we passed by many examination rooms, labs and patients. About 10 steps away from the exit I saw a child about the same age as me back then pass by on a stretcher, the boy had no hair on his body whatsoever. My mom saw me looking at him with a puzzled expression on my face and told me that he was sick. I asked her what kind of sick and she said he had a very bad sickness that is called a terminal disease. I found out later when I got home that the terminal disease she was talking about was cancer.

I've had a love for science for as long as I could ever remember and can't imagine life without it. When I saw my first science project comprised of baking soda being mixed with vinegar I was so amazed and mesmerized that I knew from that point then that I'd want to work with science for the rest of my life. I've also had quite a few driving forces in my life pushing me toward science. The first and most influential force would be my mother. She's worked her whole life in science ranging from being a pharmacist to being a nurse. I'd always see her come home with all types of charts full of information that I'd try to decode and would eventually end up asking her about. I'd ask so many questions till the point that she'd fall asleep and to this very day I still do. She took me to work with her one day and I was amazed at the amount of sincerity and precision she put into everything from administrating medicine to just talking to her patients. Another influential force in my life would be Doctor Vivien Thomas. When I first heard how Doctor Thomas rose above poverty and racism at all odds to become a cardiac surgeon I knew I had to learn more. After some research I discovered that he was the man behind the Blalock-Taussig shunt, the life saving procedure that cures the blue baby syndrome. With inspirational role models such as Doctor Thomas and my very own mother I hope to be able make a difference in the medical world and become just as influential to others people as they are to me. (432 words)

Please critique and give helpful revisions :D
arnela123 2 / 13  
Dec 14, 2011   #2
your first paragraph should be your intro- it doesnt seem like it is in order u jumped from one topic to another ( ur first paragraph does not flow into your second) and what is your question for the essay?
nippycan 2 / 2  
Dec 15, 2011   #3
The second paragraph is a complete jump to another paragraph. You need to somehow intertwine the two and work on your transitions between the ideas of the essay. It seems to jump from from a flashback to your love for science to people who have influenced you to why you want to make a difference in the medical world. The flashback at the hospital relates well to the medical aspect of the essay, but you need to pick one main theme in the body of the essay and support that rather than jumping around to different statements. It has great potential, just work the organization and making it all flow. :)

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