First of all, thanks a lot for viewing my thread! :)
This is one of the essays I've been working on for Brown Univ
It is obviously no where near perfect :P, therefore please read it and give some feedback if you have time :). Critical comments are also welcome.
Thank you in advance! :)
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Word counted: 550
Essay Prompt:What is the best piece of advice you've ever been given?
"Close your eyes. Open the window. Look out."
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That was the instruction from my art teacher after seeing her poor student staring at the white paper for nearly two hours without progress. As most writers experience writer's block at least once in their life, I, an amateur, self proclaimed artist, also come across moments when the blank canvas precisely reflects my state of mind. This time, I reluctantly followed the advice without knowing that these eight words in three sentences would provoke in me more than just questions about how to create beautiful drawings. They also taught me how to live.
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I groped for the window's dowel. Click! Creak! Ten in the morning and I could feel the warm sunbeam splashed against my face as the two wings were parted. "Keep looking," my teacher said. I knit my brows: all I saw was the vermillion inner wall of my eyelid. However, I soon started to notice things that I normally would have ignored. I smelled a tinge of jasmine scent weaved in the breeze. I heard a repartee of unknown birds and the sound of each undulation as the fish waggled their tails. There appeared in front of my closed eyes the garden I thought I knew so well, yet ever more vivid.
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That day's art lesson ended, but the instruction still occupied my thoughts. Despite my attentive observation, why haven't I noticed those scent and sounds before until I closed my eyes? What else did I miss? Like a chain reaction, these questions aroused in me a sequence of unexpected memories. I remembered how my mom, after emigrated to the South of Vietnam, turned from a dishwasher into one of the most successful Vietnamese women in sixteen years of tireless striving. Being an Asian myself, I remembered witnessing Asian students' severe academic schedules, in which the academy became their second home. They were studying hard to have perfect standardized test scores for "the sake of their future." These flashbacks seemed random, but somehow they reminded me that I was not the only person trying to keep my eyes wide open, hoping not to miss anything or waste any minute. However, this just might have been what went wrong.
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Nowadays, many people are blinded by the belief that an individual's value is based merely on accomplishments and knowledge. As a result, they try to achieve as much as possible, and expect the same of others. This way, it is no wonder that most people fail to see that underneath my mom's image of an independent, determined and smart woman lays a fragile and lonely being, which because of the circumstance she could not nurture. With the advice in mind, I realized there is more to life, nature and people than what the eyes can perceive. I also found out the answers to my questions. By observing intensely, I have missed the chance to rest and simply enjoy the beauty of my surroundings.
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I know that this time was not the last of my artist's block or of my lack of inspiration. However, as the archaic meaning of inspire is "to breathe life into," as long as I am alive and breathing, I will be fine. "Close your eyes. Open the window. Look out." Sometimes, all it needs is a break.
It is a good concept and a good idea to write about. You do make a number of unfortunate grammar mistakes throughout your essay unfortunately.
But in terms of content, I think you have something quite worthwhile. Perhaps you could try and bring in more analogies, similes, and metaphors to show off a stronger writing style which in effect, would allow your essay to seem even stronger.
Good luck
Thank you!
Yes, I'm not very good at grammar :(. I'll definitely try to fix them though =]
I'll try to strengthen my tone and style, but first of all I want to make the essay coherent and less confusing :(. I tend to jump from ideas to ideas a lot without clear connection (i.e. the 3rd and 4th paragraphs), and I'm not sure how to fix that without exceeding the 500 words limit.
I also don't really have "topic sentences" like the normal structured essays, is it a bad thing?
Thanks a lot in advance for any advice!
...at least once in their lives , I, an aspiring artist, also come across moments when the blank canvas precisely reflects my state of mind.
This is a great topic, and the way you think is interesting! For some people -- meditation practitioners -- that blank canvas mind is the greatest kind. That is the kind of mind that is open for art to enter. If, in that blank, tranquil state, you want to muster up some art, you need to stir up the stillness and think of something that makes you feel some emotion. That is the alchemy of it, I think.
I know that this incident was not the last of my experiences with artist's block or my absence of inspiration.
