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Undergraduate   Posts: 12

'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it.


trueathlete8  
Sep 2, 2009   #1
my parents have been telling me that i havent been focused enough on myself in the essay and i was wondering if anyone believes that it is alright or needs to be subbed out for a new essay completely.

How will your individual background, experiences and personal identity influence your educational pursuits and your contributions to the campus community at the University of Florida?

The lighthearted saying, "carpe diem" is just a cheerful reminder to be more opportunistic to many people, however, for me, it means more. Throughout my life, my ideological personality has been shaped by tragic occurrences. From such unnerving tragedies, a beneficial quality has been instilled within me.

I still vividly recall the day I found out what happened to my close friend Jacob. I was in the seventh grade at the time and the two of us would play basketball every single day together since elementary school. However, this could not be anymore. He and his mother were involved in a terrible car collision, which proved more injurious to him. The accident greatly weakened the ability to use his legs and every time he would try to play, even months afterwards, his bones and muscles were not strong enough to support him. He gave up his longtime hobby due to this unfortunate event which left me with a close friend practically paralyzed throughout his legs.

Another terrible happening arose one night when I was at my neighbor's house. Every family from the cul-de-sac was gathered around the big screen television to watch the Superbowl. I recall my mother cooking while my dad conversed about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' defensive line over some drinks with friends. Suddenly, this festive gathering turned into a horrible nightmare for my family, as my father began to experience a shortness of breath and excruciating chest pain. He was rushed into the emergency room, only later to find out that his heart had failed momentarily. The doctors could find no other problems with him. For a while, I thought the worst and believed that my father would need serious medical attention, but fortunately it was not anything too severe.

From being involved in multiple untoward incidents, I am able to discern that life is fickle, and that nothing is truly set in stone. These happenings have taught me to make the most out of my opportunities, knowing that they may end at any instant, just as my afterschool games with Jacob did. This opportunistic quality will allow me to exploit every chance I receive at the collegiate level, whether it is learning something new, or meeting different people. In addition to furthering my educational pursuits, I will be able to assist others of the Gator community to see things in such a perspective. From this, they too will be able to take full advantage of their opportunities to learn and better themselves during their college experience at the University of Florida.

EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Sep 2, 2009   #2
I agree with you parents. You've not really told us anything about yourself, just about two bad incidents that were hurtful to other people and you observed.
OP trueathlete8  
Sep 2, 2009   #3
thanks
Llamapoop123  
Sep 2, 2009   #4
You should combine your experiences with your reactions. You never really explain how the second occurance impacted you.

Another terrible happening arose one night when I was at my neighbor's house.

This does not work for a transition.

I recall my mother cooking while my dad conversed about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' defensive line over some drinks with friends.

You do not need to remind us that these are your recollections. The reader will be more in to your essay.
OP trueathlete8  
Sep 2, 2009   #5
so should i fix it up? or trash it and restart completely anew with a different topic?
Llamapoop123  
Sep 2, 2009   #6
^I think that you have a good topic to write about. If you want to answer this prompt, these events are probably your best bet. You can trash the essay but keep the topic. Try and write it in a more organized and emotional way.
Mayada  
Sep 2, 2009   #7
I would write about the event that had more effect. If you focus on one event and describe where YOUR position is, your essay would be way much better.
EF_Sean [Moderator]  
Sep 2, 2009   #8
The incidents you have told us about both have other people as the central character. Why not talk about something that happened to you, instead? Alternatively, you could focus in on one of the incidents you've described, and go into detail about how it influenced you. I'd probably go with the first option, though, personally.
SFLady77  
Sep 3, 2009   #9
I agree with Sean.

If "carpe diem" really does mean something to you then what have you taken to really seize the day?
EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Sep 3, 2009   #10
I'll just chime in to say that "carpe diem" is not generally considered to be a "light-hearted" saying. It can also be said as a challenge or as an implicit warning that failing to do so will lead to regret.
EF_Sean [Moderator]  
Sep 4, 2009   #11
I prefer Carpe Jugulum, myself.
jankrav  
Sep 7, 2009   #12
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT THE PROMPT FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA ESSAY in 2009! 2009 essay question is a prompt that concerns writing your essay about a significant event that influenced you! Find it on ufl.edu...admissions.


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