Hi! Hoping to submit this tonight, so please, any criticize it in any way you can! Thank you (:
And a quick question, is a total 1018 word count for both essays acceptable to UC's?
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
As I stood at my booth, I could not help but listen to the shouting around me. "Hey you! Want to learn how to kick some butt?" "Play video games during lunch!" "And don't forget, free cake for all new members!" It is "Club Rush" day, and the other clubs are using a good amount of advertisement to draw in new members. Should I be concerned that I am not shouting or keeping up with their tactics?
Ah, but if a person comes up, I can only begin to speak of the rewarding experiences I have had both as a member and local President of the National Honor Society (NHS). I can speak of the fulfilling work I did at a homeless shelter in the local church for the club, or of the immense satisfaction of seeing the downcast faces of the homeless begin to glow as we comforted and assisted them. I can speak of the gratitude of the organizations that we have supported through our successful canned food drives. I can speak of the club's distinctive recognition of the school's top honor students.
I ran for Presidency in the NHS because of two things: a passion to help the less fortunate and an itch to take greater initiative.
The passion was already there; it had sprung up from a trip to the impoverished Philippines in my freshman year. It was further stimulated by the fulfilling work I had done for the community through the NHS. Experiences such as witnessing the joy of homeless persons have deeply inspired me to continue my efforts through this great club.
The initiative grew from a desire to do more with this passion, to take control of it and guide it as best I can. I felt that my efforts could be much better carried out on a larger scale. I was not the best leader at first, but I was very determined to successfully run the club. My cousin, a former NHS President herself, guided me and helped me cultivate the qualities I needed to lead and manage a great cause.
Now that I am the President, I could not be any more proud. I head a cause that I am passionate about; I now organize and oversee the homeless shelters, canned food drives, soup kitchens, and other service events that I have admired so much. This club has cultivated some of my greatest qualities.
My NHS booth begins to attract a larger crowd. I see some of the smartest students of the school come up to the booth, interested in joining to make a difference in our community. It is then that I realize that my club's local and national renown for academic and philanthropic excellence is doing all the advertising we need.
Nice essay! I love how you wrapped up the conclusion.
If I could suggest one thing, you should let your voice be heard through the essay. I get the feeling that you are very sincere and proud of what you do, but it doesnt say who you are. Do you organize and oversee the homeless shelters just because you are the president of honor society? I think your essay accentuates too much about your role as a president. Show them you are passionate about this activity even if you werent the president. =)
Look at mine too?
How about enhancing this sentence a little:
I head a cause about which I am passionate -- organizing and overseeing the homeless shelters, canned food drives, soup kitchens, and other service events that I have admired so much. This club has cultivated some of my greatest qualities.
And at the end, make a connection with this and your intended career so that they will see how focused you are on your goal -- and that you are living a meaningful, altruistic life.
