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The club ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW


fall2017 4 / 17  
Nov 13, 2016   #1
COMMON APP PROMPT-Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

With a racing heart and a nervous smile, I finally made the confession. I had been contemplating ways to do it and all of a sudden, it just happened.

I still get a strange rush of emotion when I remember that moment. The day was about to end and I could sense an unsettling air hovering around the place. My parents were quietly enjoying the solitude of dusk, drinking tea, but upon hearing me, their expressions turned hopeless.

My father calmly, but with a bit of an annoyance retorted, "Why do you keep changing your mind? You are very hard working; you will definitely crack your medical entrance exam." My mother, on the other hand, let out a long breath.

This was enough for me to realise that my decision to leave the traditional route after high school was going to bring upon many challenges.

Growing up, society and a little bit of naivety on my part, convinced me to think that when I grow up I could either become a doctor, engineer, banker or a teacher. Among these set professions, I chose to be a doctor because which little child would not want to wear that white coat?

Everywhere I went, I would proudly announce my ultimate goal. I was happy to have a coveted answer to the society's signature question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I already had a sense of accomplishment for setting a goal that was widely accepted in the society. After all, I had the approval of everyone around me and in a society where I've been raised, that is all you need.

Things, however, took a turn once I began to observe things beyond assignments and marks. I was part of a club my teacher had initiated in school. We had to survey students, find out problems they faced, discover solutions to it and make presentations. I gradually began to enjoy the process of interacting and finding solutions to social issues. This is when I learnt I was truly interested in problem solving and in depth analysis of social issues. It gave me a sense of true satisfaction, one learning about the human body and scientific formulas did not.

I was gradually convinced that dissecting frogs, performing titration and finding out the magnetic fields were not for me but I still struggled to convince my parents. Every time, the faint subject about it came up, there were eyebrows raised and hesitations shown. Throughout high school, I felt like I was in a perpetual state of confusion and societal compliance.

My parents were skeptical about subjects other than science but they always encouraged gaining experiences outside academics and textbooks. This is how I got a short term exposure to the world of writing, reporting and simply put, having enough self-confidence to project myself.

The basic principle of journalism is freedom and getting involved with it gave me the much needed push to be assertive about my decision. The liberation I felt from writing and being around seniors who overcame the stereotype of a typical Nepal society, encouraged me to take a stand and be direct with my approach.

I overcame the skepticism I had over my decision and learnt to communicate directly about my opinions and plans to my parents. I am still confused whether my parents fully approve of my faded inclination with science but they are definitely convinced by the surety I have shown in not choosing the traditional path.

The club I was involved in at school made me realize what I actually wanted in life and getting into writing ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality and not submit to the stereotypical beliefs of the society.

Now when I am confronted by my relatives about my future plans, I no longer show any apprehension about my decision or get flustered by their judgments. I simply put forth my reasons, smile back and say, "I want to bring change in the society but just not in a way the society wants me to."
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Nov 13, 2016   #2
Avipsha, you will need to work on the essay to provide clarity in terms of the belief or idea that you are challenging. Your explanation as to why you felt compelled to change your career plans, after your exposure to the club is enough to make the essay respond to the prompt. I would not advise you to include the reference to the actual career path that you have chosen because that is not a necessary aspect of the prompt. In fact, it confuses the reader when you suddenly bring in the discussion about your desire to enter into journalism. In truth, I was expecting you to say that you decided to pursue a career in psychology instead. That is because of the problems that you related you wished to help solve sounded a bit on the personal side and usually, those involved in psychology are the ones who help these types of people. To be on the safe side, just say that the exposure made you realize that you did not have to be a doctor to help people. Leaving out the career specific part so that your essay centers solely on the idea and belief that you challenged instead. The rest of the essay shows that you had to overcome the discrimination on your parent's side and that, makes the essay very much attuned to the prompt. You just need to make sure that the attention of the reader doesn't deviate from that discussion alone.
OP fall2017 4 / 17  
Nov 13, 2016   #3
@Holt
Thank you so much for the review. I will definitely work on what you've pointed out. Besides that, is my essay good enough in terms of content, sentence structure and grammar? Once again, thank you for helping me out.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Nov 13, 2016   #4
Since I am asking you to revise the content in a certain way, the answer to your question about content is no, you need to work a bit more on it in order to improve it. My suggested revisions should help you achieve that. The sentence structure and grammar are sound. That means that it delivers a clear statement about what you wish to say through the essay. In these common app essays, the grammar is not as important as the delivery of the message. That is because you need to be true to yourself in your written interview, which is represented by the essay apps. So, while your English may not be perfect and there may be some problems with your sentence structure, you are still able to express yourself in an understandable manner. I would not worry about those presentations at the moment. It is the content that you need to make sure you deliver on first.
OP fall2017 4 / 17  
Nov 13, 2016   #5
@Holt
Thank you very much for your feedback.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Nov 14, 2016   #6
Avipsha, this is a very good revision. It is detailed in letting the reviewer know about the difficulties you faced the minute you expressed a desire to change your college major. The way that you overcome the resistance from your parents is something that most college bound students have to deal with and the way you handled it was quite impressive. Now, for the single shortcoming of your essay. There is a portion in the prompt that asks you if you would still make the same decision if you are faced with a similar situation in the future. I did not see any response to that question within your essay. While I can almost guess what you response will be to that question, the reviewer will not have the time to second guess your response. So you have to be very specific and lay out the answer, in written form to that question. Once you properly develop your response to the hypothetical scenario, the essay should be all set for use.
OP fall2017 4 / 17  
Nov 14, 2016   #7
@Holt
Thank you for taking out your time to review my essay. I am actually really confused how I'd respond to the part you mentioned? Does it have to be elaborative or can I just mention my response as a short concluding paragraph? I hope you will reply back. Thank you.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Nov 14, 2016   #8
Avipsha, you can definitely mention your response to the scenario as part of your concluding paragraph. Normally, the essay should be developed in the manner that the prompt presents. Since this question was given at the end of the prompt, the response should also be given at the end of the essay. Now, whether it will be an elaborate paragraph that details how you would respond to the same scenario in the future or not is actually up to you. A simple statement at the end, that sounds like you are reflecting on the past event and considering how you would respond to a similar scenario in the future should be enough to properly conclude the essay. Just remember that your response to the future scenario should have a personal touch to it as well.
OP fall2017 4 / 17  
Nov 14, 2016   #9
@Holt
Sure. I'll keep in mind everything you've mentioned and make changes. Once again, thank you very much.


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