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"Club Leader, Acquaintance , Reason for Choice"- 3 Short Responses

monkeymaze 7 / 15  
Jan 1, 2011   #1
I need help revising some of the short answers. Please help me out on the response that you think needs the most revision (possibly 2 or 3?). I will help you out too. Thank you!

2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hi Roommate,

I can't believe that we are roommates and -don't forget- best friends at Stanford! Do not be intimidated by the fact that this is my first time sharing rooms with someone. I guarantee you that we will go along easily. Actually, I would consider that you are lucky to be my roommate. We might struggle learning about each other during the first day because I am a quiet person most of the time. Anyways, as I quickly get comfortable with the environment, we will begin to learn more about each other because I am also a very vibrant and talkative person at times where I feel comfortable. I will apologize for this inconvenience ahead of time. Despite this setback, I am an independent person. Staying in Germany for a summer golf camp and constantly having my parents at work, I learned to manage my time wisely and take good care of my sister and myself.

Other than these personalities, I am reliable and responsible at all times. I am also able to perform many tasks. Cooking and golf are my distinguished abilities. Growing up with a family owned restaurant and in a Chinese environment, I can cook American breakfast and most importantly, Chinese cuisine, especially BBQ Pork Fried Rice. I also love to play competitive golf and although I might not become a professional, I will be happy to teach you. Now, you will be able to play a sport that will help you in the long run. I hope that I can share my college experiences with you!

3.Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

Nestled in my home state, Stanford has always been my dream university to receive a top education. I am confident that Stanford, recognized as one of the internationally-renowned universities, is the right match for my future education and character development. With many opportunities, academic rigors, and groups of people encompassing Stanford, I want to be a part of Stanford's student body, which strives to become great contributors and leaders of the future.

Stanford's bustling environment captivated me to choose this university. Surrounded by many industrialized cities and infamous technology firms like Google, Stanford has multiple connections with innovative companies, which allows me to get a first-hand experience of entrepreneurship, a major I yearn to pursue. Helping my father run the family business, I want to further develop my business knowledge and experiences by learning from industries associated with Stanford and from Stanford's study abroad and research programs. Utilizing Stanford's well-known research program while studying abroad internationally, I will be able to explore the world and incorporate what I have learned from Stanford in my discoveries, which will surely help me develop into a successful product of Stanford.

In addition to its opportunities, Stanford's diverse and competitive student body challenges me to unleash my fullest academic and extracurricular potentials. I feel welcomed and eager to share with and learn from the community of ongoing creative ideas by students and faculty at Stanford.

Inevitably, I know that the opportunities surrounding Stanford's frontier will encourage me to continue being an assiduous and optimistic pioneer, who looks forward for inspiration to successfully pursue my major and to become a contributor to society.

giraffekungfu 1 / 7  
Jan 1, 2011   #2
For the third question, you should try to talk more about your own goals and aspirations. The people at Stanford don't need to hear about how great Stanford is. Instead, focus on what you plan to do to make the most of your time there.

And thanks for the feedback on my essay.
OP monkeymaze 7 / 15  
Jan 1, 2011   #3
Thanks, but does this mean that I have to rewrite the entire response or can I keep some parts?
giraffekungfu 1 / 7  
Jan 1, 2011   #4
I think you just need to do some editing. You can keep the second paragraph. Just make sure to bring the focus on you and make it a little more personal.

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