From the clunky weirdo with ADHD to a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician.

Last minute Common App Essay review. Prompt 1: "Some students have a background, identity..."

Drumming has smashed the door of transition into maturity

BAM!
Another solid punch clashes the boy's head as he slowly slides against the wall in tears. He then cowers silently watching the thugs vanish behind the school hallway. A day like any other. ADHD is nowise a good ally in making friends. Mediocre grades, appearance of an anorectic, no hobbies nor social skills whatsoever. Appealing, isn't it? Meet the eleven-year-old me, a laughing stock for the cool kids and a pain in the neck for the teachers.

Little did I know, that seemingly ordinary day was going to spark the process that has shaped me the way I am today. And all future accomplishments I owe to the very moment I came home to my mother asking:

Why won't you start playing drums?
BAM!
First strokes danced on the practice pad and so my journey has began... First as an unobtrusive hobby, soon as a life coach.
Drumming became the catalyst of my profound metamorphosis and has fundamentally affected both the academic and personal spheres of my life. By exploring its endless possibilities I discovered connections between learning and the world of music. Intricate rhythms and crazy 15/16 time signatures were the key to understanding complex mathematical patterns and formulas. Humanities turned into child's play once I started perceiving music as a language. With notes being words and grooves being sentences all I had to do was to put these ideas down on paper. My practice routine has quickly made friends with studying. Evenings spent on memorizing ancient history, whilst transcribing orchestral solos at the same time became an imminent part of my everyday schedule. Drums have unlatched my mind for new experiences and triggered my intellectual curiosity. Through performing I set goals for myself. Every contest I ever won, every A I ever got and every other feat in my portfolio is the result of not only hard work, but also of the invaluable motivation I received from playing.

Progressing as an instrumentalist has boosted my confidence and endowed me with social skills I never had. As I climbed the ladder of success, overcoming my imperfections was a natural course of events and soon the clunky weirdo from primary school was gone forever.

BAM!
Drumming has smashed the door of transition into maturity. I discovered the value of commitment, leadership and responsibility. My work duties as a teacher honed my time-management skills and transformed me from a klutzy procrastinator into a conscientious learner and employee. Most importantly, thanks to drums I mastered harnessing what I previously considered as defects. Countless hours spent on practicing those dryasdust paradiddles helped me gain focus during exams. Hyperirritability, once an arch-enemy, became an asset and my inherent weapon in the school environment.

Finally, I have become a part of a wonderful community. A community that unites passionate, creative individuals better known as drummers. A community with no competition. A community that has taught me no one is better or worse, but that we're all just on a different leg of our joint path to becoming the next Buddy Rich.

This is, of course just the beginning of a long haul, yet looking back at what I was before picking up my first pair of drumsticks and how it has propelled me towards becoming a better Kacper, I am all set and more than excited to carry on this process.

BAM!
Another sturdy drumbeat fills the venue accompanied by thunderous applause. A day like no other. Confidence, strong ambitions and an unabashed urge for self-improvement. Appealing, or not, meet the eighteen-year-old me, a dedicated student and a fulfilled musician.

"Finally, I have become a part of a wonderful community. A community that unites passionate, creative individuals better known as drummers. A community with no competition. A community that has taught me no one is better or worse, but that we're all just on a different leg of our joint path to becoming the next Buddy Rich."

Maybe specify the community :) i interpret it to be the...drumming-enthusiasts? Not very sure tho.

Overall I liked your essay. Unique voice, nice development, a little jumpy in the latter part.

Whiplash? :D

@AlwaysL8
Thank you for your opinion!

The community I mentioned simply means drummers as musicians :)

Kacper, first of all, you have to stop saying "Bam!" in between paragraphs. It gets on the nerves of the reader. I know, you are trying to keep the drum theme going here but constantly shocking the reader is the best way to get the reviewer to decide you are a crazy person applying to their school. It will harm your application. So do it once, at the point where it might have the most impact. Don't do it all throughout the essay.

Next, address the elephant in the room. Why did your mother suggest that you try or start playing drums? Your mother's encouragement is vital to the discussion because without her suggestion, it doesn't seem logical that you would have ended up playing the drums, even with all the bullying you were experiencing. Point out the reasons why she felt that doing that activity would help you out. Then maybe, the essay will make more sense.

BAM!
Another solid punch clashes the boy's head as he slowly slides against the wall in tears. He then cowers silently watching the thugs vanish behind the school hallway. A day like any other. ADHD is nowise a good ally in making friends. Mediocre grades, appearance of an anorectic, no hobbies nor social skills whatsoever. Appealing, isn't it? Meet the eleven-year-old me, a laughing stock for the cool kids and a pain in the neck for the teachers.

Little did I know, that seemingly ordinary day was going to spark the process that has shaped me the way I am today. And all future accomplishments I owe to the very moment I came home to my mother asking:

Why don't you put your energy to good use? Why don't you start playing drums?

First strokes danced on the practice pad and so my journey has began... First as an unobtrusive hobby, soon as a life coach.
Drumming became the catalyst of my profound metamorphosis and has fundamentally affected both the academic and personal spheres of my life. By exploring its endless possibilities I discovered connections between learning

[...]Is it better now?

Definitely much better. Although, it still seems a bit too long. Can you tell me what the maximum word count is for this prompt? It seems to me like there are statements that can be merged or deleted, depending upon its position in the current essay. Some of the paragraphs, in my opinion, lack the ability to create clear motivations and discussions based upon your current presentation. There are signs of missing information or a lack of direct relation to the story you are trying to tell. I have some specific ideas in mind but I need to make sure that it will work for your essay. Let me know the actual maximum word count for the essay and I should be able to get back to you with instructions as to how to make your essay more memorable in terms of length and content for the reviewer.

@Holt
The limit is 650 words, so my essay does fall within the range. It is the official Common App Personal Essay and if that's the case, I'm applying to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Columbia and UChicago

There is still the question of excess energy that your mother wished you would get rid of by playing the drums. What was her motivation for suggesting it to you? That line just seems so inconsistent with the rest of the essay. It is supposed to lay the foundation for your interest in the drums. Yet is says nothing about why and how it happened. It is kind of like your essay skipped 3 steps. All of sudden, you were a drum expert. Yet, we don't get any idea as to how your being bullied really connects with it. Your mother's statement doesn't make sense. Why did she think that getting into drums would be good for you? Obviously her idea worked. But what made her think that it would work? You need to develop a stronger foundation paragraph for it. Something as strong as the depiction of the bullying, in order to remove the question mark that remains in the essay.