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CMC leadership essay -- Jumong


marycornell 2 / 19  
Jan 2, 2010   #1
I know this essay needs to be ripped up. I had writers block on this essay for like a week. Please help me! Will critique yours.

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

War history left a bitter taste in my mouth. Memorizing thousands-no, millions-of dates or names for each battle and learning about one country conquering the next was my idea of wasted brain space. But the one thing that made war history somewhat appealing was the individual story of each general, captain, colonel, or lieutenant who led their men into battle. Their capabilities, their accomplishments and, particularly, their victories and failures all reveal the morals and values that they have. However, the relationship between a leader and his followers truly defines the greatness of their leadership. Followers would look upon a great leader with respect, trust, obedience, and devotion.

He was a victorious leader from South Korean war history. I did not learn about him at school or from my parents, a documentary, or a biography. I learned about him through an 81- episode drama. Of course, this means that the facts I do know of him are not facts; they have probably been embellished for the media. He is the fictional version of the historical figure. He is the one on my television screen on channel 18.3. He is the man for whom the drama is named: Jumong.

Born as the son of a king's concubine, Jumong grew up in a rivalry for the crown between his two older step brothers. Although he had never coveted for the throne, his brothers label him as a threat and try to murder him. Naturally, his brothers fall into corruption while Jumong fights to save his people from their enemy, the Han nation. He succeeds in freeing his oppressed people and finally ends up establishing his own kingdom of Goguryeo.

In each battle they fought together and every stubborn obstacle they demolished, special relationships formed between Jumong and his men. His men revered him with an emotion stronger than love and bestowed upon him their complete devotion. In return, Jumong did not overlook this devotion like other war leaders would. Instead, he never sacrificed even one of his men needlessly, working with them to protect the innocent people.

Jumong discovered each man's potential, and entrusted him with a task. Every task was essential to help Jumong realize his greater goal of establishing a nation that lasted for hundreds of years in Korean history. He changed his soldiers' lives individually by cultivating their talents into necessary skills, influencing several soldiers to become leaders themselves-he transformed three common criminals into generals of war. He valued their lives and talents. Claremont McKenna College is a breeding ground for leaders like Jumong, people who want to take control of their destiny and improve the lives of others. It is a place that can see the potential in people and nurture them to become successful leaders of their own.
dthomas518 1 / 1  
Jan 2, 2010   #2
I thought it was a beautifully well structured essay. It had really good flow and consistently addressed the topic of leadership.

An area of discussion:
instead of saying "Claremont McKenna College reminds me of this war hero."

It sounds too vague, you might want to say: "CMC is a breeding ground for leaders like Jumong, people who want to take control of their destiny and improve the lives of others."

It sounds more strong and assertive, good qualities of a leader.
Hope this helps!
Spelbound2010 1 / 6  
Jan 2, 2010   #3
this essay is indeed beautifully written. short but sweet. if it were my essay, i would continue to revise and make sure i stayed on topic. you did great but if you keep going over it, it can only get better. Good luck!!!
OP marycornell 2 / 19  
Jan 2, 2010   #4
Were there any places that I went off topic too much?
If you could point it out, that would be great!
poleandreel 2 / 9  
Jan 2, 2010   #5
I think it is written very well but you need to branch off and explain how he shaped you into the leader that you are. I think you talk to much about him. after all, you are the one trying to get accepted, not jumong.
wzheng 1 / 3  
Jan 4, 2010   #6
A couple of suggestions:

This manHe was a victorious leader from South Korean war history.

When I read that, I had to read over the previous part to see if I missed the name already. I think if you put it this way, it's more obvious foreshadowing.

He changed his soldiers' lives individually by cultivating their talents into necessary skills, influencing several soldiers to become leaders themselves-he transformed three common criminals into generals of war. He valued their lives and talents.He looked past their checkered pasts, and saw the talent in people that no one else could.Just a suggestion?

Agree w/ Mclaugh about the tenses. Pick one and stay with it. I'd prefer the present too, since it is a dramatization.

Hope this helps!


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