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CMC supplement, My mother as a leader


marcoh5907 2 / 2  
Dec 1, 2011   #1
my supplement for CMC. Prompt: Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Choose someone, fictional or nonfictional, whom you consider to be a leader. Suppose you are this person's primary advisor. How would you advise this person and why?

Leader I chose: My mother

Dear Catalina Lopez,
Although you are not an activist, a religious figure nor a scientist. You are surely a brave human being with outstanding characteristics. You have given birth to 4 children, me being one of them. You had suffer the pain of a mother. You have drop tears of despair for your children when one comes late from a friend's one. You are the mother who cares for their children, you are the mother that would protect your children regardless if you have to give your life in exchange. You are the mother who works hard to serve a simple plate of beans, rice and tortillas in our folklore-looking table, a simple meal but with much love and joy. You are without doubts a leader.

A leader is not one who likes to be independent but the one who works as a team to succeed. You worked hard with your family in order to keep peace in your house and not make your mother angry who was suffering from leukemia. Mother, you took over your mother's duties. You cleaned the house, you cook, you took care of the animals, and when you had a minute of spare time you would try to read a newspaper that you had found on the floor when you were on your way to the molino. Taking responsibility is defiantly a leader's characteristic. Instead of going to school, although you wanted to, you couldn't simply because that was not part of your culture, simply because your dad told you that they were better things to do than going to school to waste your time reading books instead of doing something productive as he said which was to work.

Catalina, although you are an all-rounded leader you are not perfect because you are human. Just like any other human being on the planet you have your weaknesses. You are too tolerant, you are too weak, and a conformist at time. Although you want to speak up when your boos screams at you, you do it, you stand up for yourself, you stand up for my siblings, my father, and I without with fear.

I advise you to not be fearful to the obstacles that life will put along the way. Catalina you are a strong human being, intelligent, and loving but many times you lack confidence. Don't conform yourself with societies standards. You should've disobey with your father's decision in not going to school. You should've gone if it was your dream but you didn't because you were a conformist.

You now every now and then sit next to me and talk to me how I should've be like you were. You now tell me how I should fight for what I love, for what I am passionate about. I have taken your and my own advice, not to be a conformist. I have learn through you mother than I have to work hard for a better life although I am unwanted in the United States. Although many ignorant citizens claim that you take their job away, I have to fight for a better future for me and our family. As minorities that we are, we should go along with what society wants us to be. Mother, just like you stand up against people treat you unfair, I will stand up for those who are being treated unfair.

Please go hard!!! I need the best corrections possible. Tell me if I need to chose someone else. I really appreciate it thank you.
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Dec 1, 2011   #2
You have drop tears of despair for your children when one comes late from a friend's one

have dropped

You worked hard with your family in order to keep peace in your house and not make your mother angry who was suffering from leukemia

Don't misunderstand me but this line seems a bit off, not grammatically but it leaves me wondering why your Grandmom was angry even though your mother handled all her responsibilities perfectly. Did your Grandmom's condition make her cantankerous? Either elaborate or just rephrase the sentence. :)

You are without doubts a leader

without doubt

Taking responsibility is defiantly a leader's characteristic.

Rephrase this if possible - Handling responsibilities well is the mark of a leader. (just a suggestion!)
And you used defiantly wrong, I think you meant definitely. :)

Instead of going to school, although you wanted to, you couldn't simply because that was not part of your culture, simply because your dad told you that theythere were better things to do than going to school to waste your time reading books instead of doing something productive as he said which was to work.

You should change this sentence, it's too long and wordy, so your meaning gets lost. Try to break it down into smaller sentences.

you are too weak

- do you mean physically or mentally? Either case, you should be a phrase this in a better way so it doesn't come across as a bit in the face.

and a conformist at time

at times or sometimes... :)

Although you want to speak up when your boos screams at you

*boss right? ;)

Your ending seems to be on the right track, it conveys a very potentially powerful message. Perhaps you could change it a bit to bring out the emotion more?

Your essay is good. Some grammar errors which I hope I could point out. I just wish you could edit this draft because as of now your thinking seems linear and simple. Try to use variation n your sentences. Your essay could really shine if you work around these areas a bit. Otherwise, good job :) All the best! I hope I could help.

Help me with mine please!!!


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