Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

CMC- Aren't you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day.


mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
In under 500 characters, What first influenced you most in applying to CMC?

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love. From the philosophies to the people, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

or

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love, from the philosophies to the people. During the rest of the week, while seeing UC's and CSU's, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

I want to get across that the biggest influence on my decision to apply was the fact that after seeing Mckenna, after being there, it wouldn't get out of my head. Even after seeing other colleges.
medelman2010 11 / 31  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
Hey,

I really like the idea of your essay, its personal and unique. The one thing I think you can improve is that you want to make sure that you get across that you love it, not that amy didnt.

"I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along ondecided to try the the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love., From the philosophies to the people, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. maybe add one specific that you liked I had fallen in love."

The two "love" parts are slightly redundant so maybe try to change on so that you get more out of such few characters!

Good Job!
Would you mind looking at my penn one? Thanks :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 7, 2010   #3
From the philosophies to the people, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

This part weakens it. You repeat "fallen in love" a second time, and... from the phiosophies to the people is superficial.
Replace that with some mention of a real experience you remember, perhaps something that occurred in your mind, perhaps something that occurred one morning and made you think of your future in a new way. Something vivid and real.

I went on a college trip with my friend. A casual trip, tagging along with friend, may prove to have changed my whole life. My friend's mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love. (add a sentence like what I described in italics above) from the philosophies to the people. During the rest of the week, while seeing UC's and CSU's, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

Here is a very powerfully articulated way of expressing your point:

I want to get across express the fact that the biggest influence on my decision to apply was this: After seeing Mckenna -- after being there -- it wouldn't get out of my head, even after seeing other colleges.


Home / Undergraduate / CMC- Aren't you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day.