Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
I dug my tiny hands deep into the sea of color that filled the clear bin containing the one final piece of my masterpiece. As my hand emerged from the mass, I continued to find the wrong width, the wrong height, until finally the perfect piece sat in my hand that would finalize the miniature city that I had been working on for over two hours. The perfect two-by-one grey LEGO was placed on the top of the last skyscraper and I smiled with accomplishment. I would have never imagined as a child that those tiny multicolored blocks of different dimensions would have lead to the passion I crave today.
My best friend and I did not have the latest Sega or Super Nintendo game system, because if we did we probably would have torn it apart to see how it worked. We always had a curiosity for how things work and we examined the inner workings of anything we wanted to further understand. Instead we were given LEGO pieces, crayons, white paper, and a quiet room with time to spare. We would spend countless hours drawing blueprints and directions for crazy contraptions that we would attempt to put into action.
For a while though, the feeling of being "too cool" masked my passion for creation. I had no idea what I wanted to do, what I was truly passionate about. My passion was reignited when my physics teacher assigned a project over spring break, to build a mousetrap car. For the whole week I was obsessed with making the car the best possible. I brought out the dust covered LEGO pieces and dug my hand into the childhood memories. Snap! The loaded spring finally was released; I felt for the first time I had a direction for my future endeavors.
My passion for creation emerged along with the needed pieces from the sea of building blocks. Not only was it the project but the class as a whole that brought the inner child out in me. I once again became curious about everything and physics began to consume my life. It was the first time that I was beginning to see the application of mathematics, a subject that I enjoyed all of my life. I couldn't play baseball without thinking about the parabolic motion of the ball in flight and trying to estimate the speed. With the combination of these two passions, engineering was a major that I began to consider.
A second passion of mine developed during the same time in my junior year in human anatomy, a passion for biology, especially for the human body. From a young age I have also had a strong interest in this area. For one of my birthdays, I was given a disassembled model skeleton and a book that described each bone. I learned everything that I could from the twelve-inch tall model. Then AP Biology placed the human body into a new light for me. I came to the realization that the body is system of intricate intermingling networks that functions just like any other man made mechanism. It is no different than the machines that stimulated my curiosity as a child.
I had slowly taken apart the system that was my future and discovered the major that I currently would like to pursue. Biomedical engineering is the ideal combination that satisfies both my passion for biology and engineering. Specifically, I would like to design and create prosthetics limbs. The mechanical aspect, along with the biological application, interests me most out of all of the possibilities that are offered.
Carnegie Mellon offers...
in the final section i want to write about why CMU is the best choice. I was thinking about writing how they offer BME as a double major with any other engineering program allowing for more opportunity in long run. What else could i talk about and how does the essay as a whole sound so far?
Well let me start my saying I love the vivid imagery. Amazing.
"sea of color", it presents a "passive voice", if you get what I mean.
Rearrange that specific part.
You can change it by saying for example:
I dug my tiny hands deep into the "colored sea."
It sounds better.
Instead of saying "wrong width..."
I think you should replace wrong with incorrect or some other synonym, because "wrong" is too simple.
I had been working on for over two hours. Instead of saying over two overs, say for numerous hours, something similar to that.
When you say of different dimesnions, don't mention that, because we already know blocks are
3-d. It sounds better without it.
I came to the realization that the body is system of intricate...
You forgot to mention the word "a" is a system of..
Overall your essay is engaging, just tiny things like this, throughout the essay makes it stronger.
-Rabia G.
For a while though, the typical high school interest in being "too cool" masked my passion for creation.---> thought this was unclear before I added some words...
Okay I see that you intend to write about the school's special appal to you... but I suggest giving some more time to it! This prompt is looking for your explanation of a clear life plan. They want to see if you are a student who is motivated and serious about your chosen field. I challenge you to use your excellent writing skill to CONDENSE all this story, and make room for the 2nd half of the essay to be all about why this school is better than any other for your interests and circumstances. Imagine you are writing a research paper about 1.) yourself and 2.) the school. Show how knowledgeable you are about your chosen field and about the school, so that they see how much attention you have given to this question of what you will do as a student and professional
Show that it is essential for you to go to this school!
Totally understood! The paragraph about biology, do you think that I need it or no? Its more specific but also redundant. Whats your opinion?
I think it's great, especially because you can adjust it to serve as evidence attesting to your seriousness about biomed engineering. Your fascination with biology, especially human biology, is linked to your career choice in an important way.
