Hey I just need someone to review my essay.
Please check for content as well as mechanics.. Is it too dull? Does it divert from the prompt? Please be as critical as possible...
Carnegie Mellon University has particularly fascinated me in my quest to find the right college because it cultivates a passion for learning, while encouraging its students to pursue their varied interests. CMU brings the greatest minds of all fields, ranging from music and drama to architecture and technology, under the same roof. What you get as a result is invaluable academic rigor in a rich campus environment.
Of the multitude of programs offered at Carnegie Mellon, the School of Computer Science has taken my interest. My first encounters with computer programming came about as my dad tried to teach me a thing or two about the work he did. I was initially overwhelmed by the intricate syntax of computer programs. However, as time went on, my interest in Computer Science grew from my father's influence. From programming my TI-83 to writing simple macros using Autoit , I was utterly fascinated by the power of Computers. Consequently, I began self studying Java through Stanford University's OpenCourseWare initiative. The closer I got to Computer Science, the more my passion grew towards it. It struck me like madness, taking over all my thoughts. I spent hours designing, testing, and debugging any computer programs I could think of. The Java programs I created, with minimal professional guidance, simply blew my mind away. The elegance and beauty of Computer Science became evident to me. I have specifically chosen Carnegie Mellon to harbor my passion for CS because I believe that CMU is simply a center of brilliance. The advances made in the field of Virtual Reality through courses such as Building Virtual Worlds, and facilities such as the Entertainment Technology Center provide clear evidence of pioneerism. In a captivating environment like that of CMU, there are no boundaries to what I may pursue.
Apart from the School of Computer Science, the Carnegie Institute of Technology also appeals strongly to me. From the days of my childhood, I have had a natural curiosity in the fields of math and science. As a result, I have excelled in science-related subjects. When it came to building models, however, something always seemed to take precedence over any laws of physics I knew. While building paper helicopters, more mass did not always mean a faster flight. There was always some phenomenon that my narrow knowledge of physics couldn't explain or didn't expect. The challenges that nature presented were simply more formidable, when compared to challenges presented by a textbook problem. Recently, I was building a mouse-trap powered car for Physics class. After spending hours working toward the most optimum design, I finally tested the car. As I watched the car race toward the finish line, I felt a sense of satisfaction like no other. The joy of watching one of your creations at work is simply enthralling. By pursuing engineering at CMU, I will be a part of innovation that transforms the future of mankind. Carnegie Mellon places emphasis mastering the fundamentals to prepare its graduates for the ever-dynamic field of engineering. It is the insane unconventionalism of CMU, however, that separates it from its counterparts. When you can have robots like Valerie and Tank take over reception duties, you know you are out to change the world.
Above all other reasons, Carnegie Mellon provides the perfect college experience because of its supportive campus community. It is simply amazing how all the departments at CMU can fill up the seats in a Virtual Reality presentation as well as a Theatre Production. Carnegie Mellon's emphasis on collaboration and multidimensionalism will allow me to leave my own mark on the world. As a Carnegie Mellon graduate, I can count on my degree to open doors all around the world.
It's not too dull, but it could use some spicing up.
I think you could be more concise with certain descriptive narratives. For example, the narrative of your mouse-trap car building experience.
Usually these questions hope to see a thorough understanding of their university. So first hand detail through research would be beneficial to your cause. What are specific characteristics of those programs you want to enroll in?
Carnegie Mellon University has held a particular fascination for me in my quest to find the right college, because it cultivates a passion for learning, while encouraging its students to pursue their varied interests.
What you get as a result, is invaluable academic rigor in a rich campus environment.
Of the multitude of programs offered at Carnegie Mellon, the School of Computer Science has caught my interest.
The closer I got to Computer Science, the more my passion grew towards it.
The algorithmic nature of Computer Science makes it quite simply, a beautiful field of study.
Hope this is helpful! Good luck!
:)
