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Coach David glanced at me; Person who had a significant influence on me


jasonwiesenthal 4 / 8  
Aug 1, 2008   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

During the first week of summer, I walked slowly up to my new swim team coach. His thin frame paced back and forth on the pool deck giving words of encouragement to his swimmers. Many of the swimmers were gasping for air and had red faces heated from exhaustion. I was new to the team and was intimidated by such a show of pain and effort. A swimmer next to me reached for his water bottle and got the coach's attention. Coach David glanced at me and told me to get in the water for a small warm up. He gave me a test set to evaluate my swimming skills. I hastily introduced myself to some of my lane mates and slipped into the pristine, blue water.

After that practice, I felt more tired and sore than ever before because Coach David constructed hard sets to prepare the mind for races and physical pain. I adapted myself to the grueling work and viewed every set as a challenge. In no time, I was making intervals that had seemed impossible a month ago. Coach David worked us until our bodies began to tighten up but his constant encouragement allowed us to pull ourselves together and swim harder. He would give extra sets to those swimmers who tested his patience by swimming slow and rewarded those who put their best effort forward. After each practice, he would remind us that racing team mates collectively improves the performance of the team. Toward the end of the season, I was in the best shape of my life and waited anxiously for a chance to see the results of my hard work. The Junior Olympics was the last and most important competition of the season and I anticipated solid races.

The starter announces that my heat can now enter the water. I slid carefully into the water and tried to curb my excitement. I gripped tightly to the bars under the swimming block and waited for the beep. Take your mark, beep, and the swimmers are off! The swimmers looked like a floating bridge spanning the pool with foamy water jetting from their feet. I kicked and pulled fast to pass the swimmer next to me and slowly slipped ahead of the bunch. After the first fifty yards, my legs began to swell with pain as the lactic acid built up. I could see Coach David move his arms over his head and encourage me from the deck and pushed harder than ever before. Despite the horrible pain, I pushed myself harder than ever before and encouraged myself to keep a constant speed. Slowly, some of the swimmers in the outer lanes began to tire and dropped behind but I stayed in the same position. After passing the flags signaling the finish was near, I sprinted the last few yards to beat some of my competitors. I snatched third place in that race and was pleased by how well I did. I walked up to Coach David and he gave me a pat on the back and complemented me on my race. I also earned a spot on the Florida Gold Coast All-Star team by earning top three in most of my swims. I was privileged enough to accompany Coach David at the All Star meet to race against the best swimmers in the state. He recognized my potential and gave me the best advice. He said that "trying harder in practice is better than striving for unreachable goals". This quote means that more effort should be put into preparation rather than striving to be a perfectionist.

At the beginning of the next season, I wondered why Coach David was not teaching our group and was told he left for personal reasons. He kept our team together through the whole season and built a swimming powerhouse. The last couple of years after he left we had been finishing towards the top Gold Coast team standings and were the big kids on the block. Coach David's absence deeply saddened me because I did not realize how much he helped me until he was gone. He was an inspiring leader and a hardworking swim coach that put his swimmers first.

TY for reading over my essay and correcting it in advance. I had my mom read it over a couple of times and she said it was alright other than the Conclusion. I was wondering what your thoughts were about to improve the conclusion and any grammar issues and extraneous details. Thank you again.
OP jasonwiesenthal 4 / 8  
Aug 1, 2008   #2
At the beginning of the next season, I wondered why Coach David was not teaching our group and was told he left for personal reasons. He kept our team together through the whole season and built a swimming powerhouse. His enthusiasm for swimming continued to affect our team that set loftier goals after a small taste of success. His "due all that you can" attitude pushed me and my team mates to work hard and reach for more ambitious goals. Thanks to Coach David's legacy, our team finished at the top of the Gold Coast team standings and stayed there for four years. Coach David's absence deeply saddened me because I did not realize how much he helped me until he was gone. He was an inspiring leader and a hardworking swim coach that put his swimmers first.

hello again,
is this conclusion a little better or should i include more?
Its suffering grammar wise but was making sure it was on the right track.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Aug 6, 2008   #3
This is much better. There are more details and it flows more fluidly.

"At the beginning of the next season, I wondered why Coach David was not teaching our group and was told he left for personal reasons. He kept our team together through the whole season and built a swimming powerhouse. His enthusiasm for swimming continued to affect our team that set loftier goals after a small taste of success. His "do all that you can" attitude pushed me and my teammates to work harder and reach for more ambitious goals. Thanks to Coach David's legacy, our team finished at the top of the Gold Coast team standings and stayed there for four years. Coach David's absence deeply saddened me because I did not realize how much he helped me until he was gone. He was an inspiring leader and a hardworking swim coach that put his swimmers first."

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Gloria
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