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Coach P made tough girls cry; Common App Essay

norman2013 1 / 9  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
I don't remember why I decided to try out for basketball my freshman year of high school, but it certainly wasn't because I had any basketball talent to speak of. I was by far the slowest and clumsiest at tryouts, and I did not expect to see my name on the team list. But sure enough, there it was: Pamela Crick. - JV. I couldn't believe it. To this day, I still have no idea how I made it.

Fresh out of private school, I was trying to fit in at my new inner-city school where being white put me in the minority. I enrolled in this school primarily for the International Baccalaureate program, so I was not expecting such a drastic change from my previous school but high school was a rude awakening. I was immature and used to having my hand held. I would tear up if someone shouted at me. On top of that, I also had my iPhone, backpack and money stolen in my first month of class.

Adjusting to high school was a huge challenge, but it was nothing compared to playing JV basketball. I was the only white girl on the team, and I felt like an outsider. We listened to what they called "ghetto music", and I would awkwardly watch as my teammates would Twerk, Stanky Leg or do the Cupid Shuffle. My teammates would crack jokes that I couldn't relate to and use slang that I'd never heard before. But early in the season, we found something in common; we were all scared to death of Coach P.

Coach P made tough girls cry and one day called me "the weakest link" in front of the entire team. She was forthright, but this is why we came to respect her. She did not console us; she worked us hard and told us exactly where to improve. Even though she was harsh, she had our best interest at heart and helped us come together as a team and as friends. We became a family and adopted the phrase "team before me."

We all had roles on the team and mine was usually on the bench. Nevertheless, I warmed that bench like my life depended on it. With my lanky appearance, I enthusiastically cheered on my teammates and handed them water bottles when they came in. Even though I spent the season sitting next to Coach P, I picked up on some plays or skills from her listened to her angry muttering. However, I only had the opportunity to attempt these skills when she put me in, which was usually if we had a significant lead. It was tough sitting on the sidelines, especially when my family came to watch. However, I learned to accept my role. I swallowed my pride during practices and asked my teammates and coach for help. And I did get better. I even scored a few baskets to the delighted cheers of my teammates.

Clearly basketball wasn't my game but it encouraged me to try other sports and join other clubs. Even though I didn't try out for basketball the following year, I will always treasure this crazy freshman experience. I can sometimes hear the music playing from the locker room so I come in and perform a terrible dance move to make my basketball friends laugh hysterically. After basketball, I didn't walk to class with my head down to avoid drawing attention. I accepted the person I was, even though I stood out. I gained a courage that I never thought I had.
MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 26, 2012   #2
Even though didn't try out for basketball the following year.

Here : you've missed an "I".

Even though I was successful at tryouts, I was far from being successful in the locker room. I

and, in this sentence, try picking an other word, rather than "successful" (you repeat it twice) ..

Apart from that, I thought this was a good essay .

Oh and, would you mind helping with mine? Thanks; that would mean a lot !
Birdiee 6 / 35 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #3
so what's your prompt
OP norman2013 1 / 9  
Dec 27, 2012   #4
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Birdiee 6 / 35 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #5
ok, but from reading this essay, I'm not getting any feeling of diversity at all..idk if it's in there and I'm just not seeing it, or you're not being direct enough .
OP norman2013 1 / 9  
Dec 27, 2012   #6
I guess I was shooting for being the awkward talentless white girl in an inner city environment... How do you feel I can improve it?
JessDoIt 3 / 5  
Dec 27, 2012   #7
please please please don't mention "twerking" in your essay. omg hahahaha
OP norman2013 1 / 9  
Dec 27, 2012   #8
Haha! I am sorry. You have no idea. Those girls could twerk
Birdiee 6 / 35 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #9
maybe talk about how this new environment helped introduce you to different people, traditions, etc; stuff pretty much that you weren't used to seeing in your old school
a608863a 5 / 21 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #10
I am not a good editor , but I still have some suggestions for your essay.
1.Your introduction should include a clue or a transition about what you try to convey in the following paragraphs.( eg. what kind of personality ,relationship you gain from the JV team)

2.I Assume you try to emphasize the fact that you learn a lot from the JV team,If so you should expand this part "And I did get better. I even scored a few baskets to the delighted cheers of my teammates."

(how do you get better and how does this improvement will change you in the future?)

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