I know this can be better. I could really use your guys' help with this one. The prompt is: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Hi, my name is Drew and I'm an addict. Let me tell you my story.
It all began innocuously enough, with the occasional caramel macchiato to keep me warm on those cold winter nights. But soon, I became more adventurous, branching out to lattes, mochas, cappuccinos. And as I drifted further and further from those cloyingly sweet drinks, my curiosity led me to the one thing that could keep me company during my late-night study sessions: a good, old-fashioned cup of regular coffee.
I became a fiend. Its caffeine was perfect for those moments where I had lost productivity-with a few cups of coffee I could spend hours reading Pride & Prejudice for English or making flashcards for an upcoming history test.
But I quickly realized the toll my coffee habit was taking on me. Whereas I used to get up in the morning full of energy and liveliness, without a cup of coffee I was slow and sluggish. I needed a cup to break myself out of that 2 p.m. slump, to keep myself from falling asleep for the whole afternoon.
Just a couple weeks ago, I hit rock bottom. It was a dark, jittery night, a caffeine-fueled rush to finish an essay about Hamlet before the next morning's deadline. I must have had five cups of coffee that night, finally dragging myself to bed at 4 in the morning for three hours of unsatisfying rest.
Right upon waking up, haggard and bleary-eyed, I knew I needed help. My dependence on caffeine was hurting me-I needed to return to a state of natural vitality.
So that's where you'll have to come in, roommate. Next year, I'm looking to break the habit once and for all. Finally wean myself off of coffee, that black beast. But I'm going to need your support in my moments of weakness. When I'm desperate for my morning jolt of caffeine, it'll have to be you that keeps me in check.
Thanks in advance, roommate. I'm not going to be able to do this without your help.
Your essay is great. I love the first sentence where it says "I'm an addict"; good job at hooking in the reader. However, one flaw comes to mind after reading the essay. You're essay is aimed at your roommate and you're supposed to introduce yourself and even prepare your roommate for what lies ahead, and in my opinion you don't tackle the prompt as supposed to. I suggest you remove some extra parts and add some of your qualities. Maybe you're a neat freak or an avid video gamer...
Hope this helped. (Didnt mean to be too harsh though)
But soon, I became more adventurous, branching out to lattes, mochas, and cappuccinos.
AndAs I drifted further and further into(?) those cloyingly sweet drinks, my curiosity led me to the one thing that...
Next year, I'm looking to break the habit once and for all.---'Next year', that's funny!
This is great! It shows your funny sense of humor and dedication to your studies! Good luck with school and your addiction!
Your essay's story is fine...
The only thing I felt is that, I feel after reading others' roommate essays, everyone likes to tell their personal likes or hates...their addictions or their fears...or whatever
The thing is..I don't want to room with a coffee addict and I definitely don't want to give my college years to helping a roommate overcome addiction, UNLESS the coffee addiction part was just one big/weird quirk of that person, but in the end it is that person's personality I really enjoy and respect/admire, etc
I think many ppl forget: this essay is not really for your future roommate...It may never reach any student's hands. It is for the admissions reader, and All that you want them to know about you, you should write about
Give them a complete picture of you...what can you expand upon in terms of your extracurricular, leadership, streght of character, patience, perseverance, etc And use your favorite objects like maybe even Coffee and use that to say something like "Every morning, you can expect to whiff a different fragrance of coffee bean. Those smells that remind me of my own father each morning, and how I used to drink a full cup with him, and imagine myself as the great man he was in my eyes. Coffee in the morning always represented the preparation for a great productive day, and even on Saturday mornings should you be wide awake, I'd be glad to spend the day with you, with no time to lose. If you have any history test, I'd be able to help you memorize locations. Just say the place and I'll name the coffee bean that comes. " I think that way, you'd be relating more to the reader...and also Showing your Traits (very productive, efficient, a friend who is willing to help others study, creative with his memorization techniques, sociable, very loving to family and probably loving to roommate...)
Ya, but these are just my thoughts :0) I hope they help you!
And if you can read my essays as well...I would really appreciate that too :) Thanks!