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Colby college admission essay: comment and relate to the following quote !


ikkim12 2 / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
hey guys thanks for reading! well i'm kinda on low tier of the applicants so i need alot of criticisms about this essay! please let me know your opinions more than grammar errors

the prompt is: please select one of the following quotations and, with reference to that quotation, comment on a personal experience, an issue of concern to you, or your thoughts about the future. We recommend that the length of your essay be between 300 and 500 words

"One way to open your eyes to unnoticed beauty is to ask yourself, 'What if I had never seen this before? What if I knew I would never see it again?'"

-Rachel Carson

Like any other summer days, the temperature became unbearable and I opened a window. Then, a round of wind drafted through my window, and I sensed something different in this mundane surrounding. Something sweet and citrus slowly tickled my olfaction as if I was peeling an orange. Bemused, when another gust of wind brushed my face, I started to look around to find the origin of that smell. And there it was - this little, yellow quince.

I felt like I had never seen this around here. Then, suddenly, the realizations rushed in like tidal waves. That quince had been there since my mother haphazardly bought it a month ago, and I barely even recognized its presence. Yet, it had been refreshing this dusty office area and brightening the scenery of this languid space since then. It was something that gave a bit of vividness of this environment.

It occurred to me that this was the first time I had ever had a quince in my house since I moved to U.S. Quinces were plenty when I was living in my home country Korea but, in U.S, I rarely saw them. If my mother didn't incidentally buy this quince, it could have been erased from my memory for long time. This thought of forgetting and not seeing something immediately gave me chills - I wouldn't be able to recall the pleasant smell and the vibrant color the quince brought and its impact on the bland environment; it would be like living in black and white.

Luckily, the bad scenario didn't happen. And, voila, I saw the unnoticed beauty through this incident. I didn't come to a nirvana, but it was a good start.

Like this quince, we neglect many incidents that have unnoticed beauty. Being from Colorado, many people, including me, dread snow. Aside from making great scenery, snow's real beauty is giving opportunities to the nature - snow provide drinking water, irrigation, and period of dormancy for animals like bears.

However, as the global warming persists, amount of snowfall keeps decreasing. Ultimately, the lives that were reliant on snow's inner beauty will be affected - disasters such as drinking water shortage and food shortage from draughts caused by snow deficit could all break out.

This is a challenge for everyone. This also presents a goal for me: to contribute as much as I can to ameliorate the global warming. There are so many underlying beauties that I have not discovered or seen yet that I don't want them to disappear. Whether these beauties are environmental or mental - such as one's sacrifice like Tim Thomas from the move Seven Pounds or anonymous donations -, global warming will change our ways of living and make those unnoticed beauties even harder to recognize, as people will struggle to survive rather than appreciate.

At Colby, I will have myriads of opportunities to pursue my goal of contributing to the global warming by improving alternative energy solutions. I want to join the renowned Colby professors' researches about the alternative energy. Also, I want to be the part of the community and diversify it more by sharing my ideals that I have learned from being an international student at young age. And finally, I want to keep discovering these unnoticed beauties at Colby and appreciate them.

i feel like my ending is really weak.. so please give me some insights/suggestions! thanks!

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
This approach you took is perfect! I like it.

Quinces were plentiful when I was living in...

or:
Quinces were abundant when I was...

Also, trim away excess words:
...when I was living in my home country growing up in Korea but, in U.S, I rarely saw them.

Global warming is such a controversial subject lately, with recent evidence that some people were deceptive in attesting to its effects... I wonder if you could focus on the protection of the environment rather than specifically on global warming? Lately, when people think of global warming, they become skeptical about it. Even people who believe humans caused it feel skeptical lately.

Anyway, the essay is excellent.
OP ikkim12 2 / 4  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
oh ok ! thanks very much ! i will modify the global warming part. i thought my thread was gonna go unanswered lol
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 6, 2010   #4
Yeah, sorry about that. I think a lot of people are feeling that way, because we are still trying to catch up after a rush of essays we had around the Christmas and New Year holidays.

If you have any time, please check out some essays that are on the unanswered list, and see if you can hep us help them. :-)


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