Please help, im not a native english speaker and this is my 1st time writing a Why essay. Any form of help will be greatly appreciated.
Colby College's men's soccer team has, for the 8th year in a row, won the NSCAA Team Academic Award. This reflects Colby's athletics philosophy which, according to athletics director Marcella Zalot, recognizes sports as part of the academic experience. This spirit correlates to a personal philosophy that I hold that sporting commitments should not compromise academic excellence. I am, therefore, drawn to Colby's impressive success in and out of the classroom. A soccer player myself, I hope to play on the team and uphold this winning streak under Coach Mark Serdjenian.
Colby's commitment to sustainable practice has earned it the EPA Green Power Conference Champion for using green power. In this light, I see studying at Colby as an opportunity to participate in making the world a better place to live.
All in all, the Colby experience strikes me as a fulfilment of my highest expectations of higher education: an earth-friendly college that excels both on and off the field.
maybe you should describe a little about YOU playing sports, maybe a match or how you work in your high school team..how YOU made sports part of the academic experience.
just my personal opinion.
fix the opening. it's neither intriguing nor productive. the school knows how much they rock
kthxbye
UGHHHHHHH! it's completely unrelated! You don't make the connection between their athletics and green movement stuff! Try and link that. I like where you went with the first bit, you walked the fine line between too personal, and too much about the school, and you walked it well. It's a good balance. The second paragraph. is just. there. it's hanging. it's like a wtf, where did this come from paragraph. if green is a big school movement thing, i would suggest you keep it. and for your intro. please change it. like hellohello said, it doesn't pack the punch it should. I'm going to draw an analogy to newspaper, that you're trying to write a features article, you're featuring yourself. it's supposed to be fun and entertaining yet insightful read, but in simple simple language. Your opener, man. You should write for me. I edit news, you are writing it like a news article. you quote a flipping coach for crying out loud. just leave it at "their motto is blagh blagh blagh. that should give you more room to do something like link the two ideas you have about academics and green together.
This essay expresses 2 ideas: competitiveness in sports and environmental consciousness. These ideas are not connected very will, so the composition does not have very good structure. Even though you have a language barrier and are still learning English, I think you can express a reason for choosing this school thatt has something to do with your career and your academic interests. I think you should make the first sentence say something about your philosophy, and then make the second sentence say something about the school's philosophy. I think you do not have to tell them that they won 4 years in a row, because they already know that. It will be great if you can tell a specific reason why this school is better than another school for someone with your intellectual/professional goals.
Thank you very much for your comments,im already working on rewriting the essay. Will greatly appreciate you checking out the edited script.
