Is the my butt part a bit ... inappropriate?
Though I did really think that at the time I don;t know if I should put that...
What has been the most meaningful piece of advice you have ever received? Who gave you this advice and what ways have you put it to use? (250 words or less)
I couldn't believe my mom could be so evil to trick me like this. Chucky Cheese's, my butt; this was definitely not Chucky Cheese's. The noxious smell of medicine and chemicals filled my little nine-year old nose as I frantically searched for a possible exit. Eerie posters of toothy kids stared down at me from all sides of the room, boring holes through my very soul. I couldn't take it anymore. I busted out into tears.
"Oh, hush now, April," my mom whispered, "You won't feel a thing. It's just a teensy weensy needle."
I clamorously whimpered at the word 'needle'. With a sigh my mom suddenly straightened me up and looked at me directly in the eye.
"April. There will be times in life when you have to fight through your fears and keep your head up high. Now, can you do this for me? Chin up and smile."
She held her chin up high, tapped her chin, then tapped my chin, and smiled.
"April -------."
A monotonous female voice called out my name. My mom softly clutched my hand and as proudly as I could, I jutted out my chin, smiled a great big smile, and rubbed the last tears with the back of my hand.
Ever since this little incident, whenever I felt embarrassed or scared I constantly and softly mumbled this mantra to myself, and surprisingly, I would succeed phenomenally in my task. I have learned that confidence can virtually mold a person into a whole different being.
"I couldn't believe my mom could be so evil as to trick me like this. Chucky Cheese's, my butt; this was definitely not Chucky Cheese's."
Strong writing overall. I don't know that the advice and situation are out of the ordinary enough for this sort of essay, though.
Ha ha! Hey, you are cool! The "my butt" part does have to go, though! Just in case of an easily offended admissions person! :)
Hahaha! Hello, amusing essay. I would have thought the "my butt" part was humorous..=P
I'll have to disagree with EF_Sean, i don't see why it would be out of the ordinary.
Nice essay... the story is amusing. Only thing is that you spend basically all of it on the first part of the question, and don't really elaborate how you put the advice to use. I know word limits are a pain in the butt, (as is chucky-cheese in disguise), but maybe instead of saying "whenever I felt embarrassed or scared" you could say "when I was blah blah blah ten years later, I wasn't scared any more" or something like that, just specific
I agreed with Sunken, the story is really amusing :D. I would laugh at the "butt" part if it wasn't an admission essay :)).
He has already reached the word limit, so the last part cannot be elaborated more. I dunno if the lack of details about the advice's usefulness would lower your essay a little bit, though I like your story-telling style very much.
and how about changing
gave outsmiled a great big smile
