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At Colgate we strive to foster an inclusive community; supplement 250 words or less common app essay

amounenaitlho 7 / 12 3  
Dec 23, 2015   #1
This is my supplement for colgate on the subject

At Colgate we strive to foster an inclusive community. Please discuss how your life experiences, family background, and/or culture has helped to shape you as a person. It would be especially helpful if you would also reflect on an experience which demonstrated your character and personal values.

Can I please have some feedback and corrections as soon as possible. Thank you!

I always get asked the same question when I meet new people which is , " are you really a Berber?" Following this question I always proudly proclaim "yes!'. Berbers are and underrepresented minority in Morocco indigenous to the mountainous areas of the Middle and High Atlas. They were the original people of Morocco before it was colonized by Arabs. Being a Berber has truly shaped my life in a way that is truly indescribable. A very big component of the Berber culture is truthfulness. A Berber would never lie or deceive anyone and it is looked down upon very badly if a person is dishonest. My honesty was tested greatly in one situation. During the finals of Policy Debate My partner, which was my brother, and I were greatly tempted to be dishonest to win a debate. We knew that the opposing team's evidence was newer than ours and the only way to leave nothing to chance was to change the date on the evidence to a date that was newer than theirs. We were sorely tempted to change that evidence but we remembered our origins and the basis of the Berber culture. We then understood that we could not change the evidence because that would go against all that we were taught as children. I plan to add to the inclusive community of Colgate by not only bringing my honesty and integrity to Colgate but also bringing debate and trying to contribute to the debate community in Colgate

Thank you !!!
dreamhigh 1 / 6  
Dec 23, 2015   #2
Hey...urs essay is great..interesting. .especially about berber..but ur sencond paragraph about debate...I don't like it..instead of explaining too much about debate. .may be u might wanna add about how ur integrity will make a perfect fit for Colgate! !..Btw trust me, Colgate likes creative writing. .Colgate likes my essay which is too creative but no impressive matter. ..so...just state your personal value. ...btw good essays..just make it creative. .:D
OP amounenaitlho 7 / 12 3  
Dec 24, 2015   #3
What do yku mean by make it more creative more help needed please!
dreamhigh 1 / 6  
Dec 24, 2015   #4
Umm..creative means...umm..use your own writing style which will make your essay unique. .ok..example. ..u write by bringing your honesty to colgate. .If I were you, I would write. .

After burying my heart which wanted to use trick, I come to Colgate with brand new mind which won't never let honest go...blah blah blah...like that...a bit interesting. ..and..I think it's a bit literatures. ..hee hee.just my idea..:D
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Dec 25, 2015   #5
Hi Naitlho

I really liked reading your essay especially the personal experience.
Just a minor correction which I think should be done:

Berbers are andan underrepresented minority in Morocco indigenous to the mountainous areas of the Middle and High Atlas.
eber2016 3 / 6 2  
Dec 27, 2015   #6
Your essay answers the question, yes, but I think you could do better. Instead of talking so much about the specifics of the debate and the situation with the evidence, you can talk more about how being a Berber defined your character which ultimately defined all that you do. Then I suggest you talk more about what you are bringing to the Colgate community. Not only your values, but who you will be at the Colgate community: a leader, a dreamer, a worker. Remind Colgate that they will be getting all of those things with the values you have because, you are not just your values; your values just make YOU better which is why you are a great addition to the Colgate community.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 27, 2015   #7
El, you have a strong fascination with constantly describing your origins as a Berber in your essays. I have to tell you that by constantly doing so, you will end up doing only one thing, irritating the reviewer because of the constant reminder and explanation of your background which may or may not have anything to do with the question being asked. Don't keep on explaining where your race comes from. You already explained it in one essay, do not keep repeating it. Any reviewer will tell you that repeated information does not help your essay. Always strive for originality.

In this instance, after you mention that people ask you about whether you really are a Berber, just say that you often have to prove it to them by doing something unique to your culture. Now, all school value their Honor Codes. This is the ability of their student to always do the right thing, specifically, they do not cheat, steal, nor endanger their classmates. I found that your story specifically relates to the Honor Code as most universities apply it. Therefore, rather than just saying that Berber's are truthful and never lie, tell the reviewer that as a Berber, your culture's sense of honor is one that always guides you towards doing the right thing. Then tell the story of the debate competition. That revision in content and word choice should bring your essay together in a far more interesting and highlight your pivotal action moment for the reviewer.

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