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Supplement essay for Colgate University - We want to get to know you better

bishop00 2 / 1  
Nov 19, 2018   #1
Hi, could you please rate my essay and give me an advice?

Prompt: We want to get to know you better. What are three words that your best friend would use to describe you and why? 250 words maximum

Genuine, helpful, and innovative

Genuine, helpful, and innovative. These are the three words that my best friend would use to describe my personality. Genuine - I do believe that it's not necessary for other people to see me in a different identity than who I am. I won't claim different beliefs and thoughts just to please anyone. In a world full of fads, fashion, and personal brands where everyone wants what they don't have, nobody's content to be who they really are. I do not operate under false pretenses, nor am I two-faced; even if it comes to describing my shortcomings. Helpful - being described as a nerd and geeky doesn't prevent me from assisting others. As a sophomore, I tutored many students and helped them during their participation in many robotics contests as well as sharing my previous experience with them. Beside my academic studies, I am also willing to help the others in my social daily life. I remember participating in "Wesal" team, which is a community service team in my school. Last winter, we went to distribute blankets for the homeless people at Christmas. I can say confidently that drawing few smiles on people's faces is a great feeling. Innovative - creating new ideas from solving a math problem with a different approach to creating a new melody in a piece of music specialize my personality between the others. Creativity in my academics, as well as my talent, is evident in the way that I live my life. These are my best core values.

Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Nov 20, 2018   #2
Bishoy, don't use first person pronouns for this essay. Since the description should be coming from your best friend, use the second person pronouns instead. You cannot be the active voice in this essay because you are not the person being asked to describe the topic of the essay. As such, it would be better for this essay to stick to the point of view of the writer. My suggestion is to write it this way:

My best friend, name, and I have known each other for X years. Over that time, he has come to know me as a person who is genuine, helpful, and innovative. I remember that he used those words to describe me during different times, often when I am doing something extra special for someone else. He told me I was a genuine person because... When he saw me doing... he told me he admired me for being helpful. When we were partnered up for a class project, he admired my innovative mindset because...

The description should not be something coming out of your belief in yourself. It has to come out of the admiration of someone else that you are narrating to the reviewer.

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