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Colgate University Supplement - three words your friend uses, which tells a lot about you

RIA123 1 / 3  
Jan 11, 2019   #1

conscientious, focused and patient

My high school best friend, X, who has known me for 2 years would describe me as a conscientious, focused and patient person.
The multiple times she erases the drafts I write with pencil before overwriting with a pen, the effort she sees in the birthday card I've prepared for her, or the many times she notices me with bags under my eyes, my friend always tells me that I work too hard. She respects my hardworking quality a lot.

My friend has found a very patient teacher in me. Given the lack of her mathematical skills and on the top of that with no person to teach her patiently, she found it very difficult to grasp the concepts. Hence, when I taught her in free periods without actually getting angry or frustrated, she complimented me for being very patient with her and does that till today.

Be it the planning of how we are going to spend a free period or the places to hang out during holiday time, my friend is never able to reach a conclusion. So, she always asks me to such things since I'm very focused on what I want and decisive too.

How can i improve this essay? Any feedback is appreciated.

Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Jan 12, 2019   #2
Ria, considering the maximum word or character count for this prompt, is there any way that you can use one marked event to explain each characteristic that your friend has used to describe you? Your explanations are too generalized and unimpressive. The presentation isn't eye-catching or attention grabbing at all. There is no real hook for each description that would interest the reviewer to get to know you from the eyes of others. You have to make the essay more impressive by using notable situations that better explain the chosen word descriptor. That way, the reviewer will have a chance to assess your character in relation to the overall student community personality existing in the university.

Right now, you are even using additional words to describe yourself, aside from the descriptions given by your friend. Unfortunately, the added descriptions do not help to further improve your friend's description of who you are. So you need to revise the essay in a manner that will stick to the description used by your friend, expanding on it via the use of situational explanations as applicable to the word used to describe you.

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