If you remove the statement at the end saying you look forward to attending Bates, the essay will be much better than the first one that you wrote. This essay now reflects a clearer picture of why you are applying to Bates and how you can collaborate with the student community to improve relationships and create a more diverse student town in the university. Some grammar problems in the essay need to be addressed at this point. I will proof read the material for you and correct the errors. Just replace what I suggest you replace and the essay will be ready for you to use after you apply the changes.
At Bates, first-year students will live with an upper-class student. As a foreign student, I
naturally have concerns of adapting to a new culture and environmen t, but having an experienced student as a roommate would greatly quell my anxiety as I have a reliable mentor who can guide me along in the college in my early days as a Bates student. I can see that Bates is extremely committed to providing a great deal of support and resources for new students to assimilate into the college and this has what drawn me to the college. In addition, I am inspired by the close-knit relationships the students of Bates enjoy, and it creates a yearning in me to meet and integrate into this friendly community of motivated and inquisitive people.
- ... I have concerns about
adapting to a new... Having
an experienced... as I will
have a reliable mentor... during
my early days as a Bates...
Bates will undoubtedly stretch my intellectual potential and mold my worldview
in my four years there, and allow me to form friendships with amazing people which will be a source of personal growth and support. I very much look forward to attending this fine institution.
-... worldview during
my four years...