Collaborative Residential Community - how it inspires and draws me to Bates

Prompt:

In addition to the Common Application essay, please select one phrase from the Bates mission statement below and comment on how it inspires you and draws you to Bates. Please upload your 1-2 paragraph response below.

Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts. Bates educates the whole person through creative and rigorous scholarship in a collaborative residential community. With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action. Preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world, Bates is a college for coming times.

"Collaborative residential community"

At Bates, first-year students will live with an upper-class student. As a foreign student, I naturally have concerns of adapting to a new culture and environment, but having an experienced student as a roommate would greatly quell my anxiety as I have a reliable mentor who can guide me along in the college in my early days as a Bates student. I can see that Bates is extremely committed to providing a great deal of support and resources for new students to assimilate into the college and this has drawn me to the college.

By living together and interacting with peers of diverse backgrounds and cultures, I will also be exposed to and learn from various perspectives, requiring me to think about a topic critically and stretching my intellectual potential. I am inspired by the close-knit relationships the students of Bates enjoy, and I am excited to meet and contribute to such an interesting community of inquisitive people.

In my opinion, this is only a single paragraph essay as both paragraphs relate to the same subject and should therefore be only in one paragraph. Your second paragraph should respond to how you will benefit from and participate in this collaborative student community instead. It is this collaborative energy that drew you to Bates in the first place. A two paragraph essay should be at least 250 words. Bat for a clearly explained 2 paragraph essay. The word count is not really a serious concern in such instances.

Hi vangiespen

Thank you very much for your suggestion. I appreciate it. Could you review my second draft based on your input?

"Collaborative residential community"
At Bates, first-year students will live with an upper-class student. As a foreign student, I naturally have concerns of adapting to a new culture and environment, but having an experienced student as a roommate would greatly quell my anxiety as I have a reliable mentor who can guide me along in the college in my early days as a Bates student. I can see that Bates is extremely committed to providing a great deal of support and resources for new students to assimilate into the college and this has what drawn me to the college. In addition, I am inspired by the close-knit relationships the students of Bates enjoy, and it creates a yearning in me to meet and integrate into this friendly community of motivated and inquisitive people.

By living together and interacting with peers and mentors of diverse backgrounds and cultures in Bates, I will be exposed to and learn from various perspectives, requiring me to think about and contribute to academic discussions with a more critical mind. Bates will undoubtedly stretch my intellectual potential and mold my worldview in my four years there, and allow me to form friendships with amazing people which will be a source of personal growth and support. I very much look forward to attending this fine institution.

If you remove the statement at the end saying you look forward to attending Bates, the essay will be much better than the first one that you wrote. This essay now reflects a clearer picture of why you are applying to Bates and how you can collaborate with the student community to improve relationships and create a more diverse student town in the university. Some grammar problems in the essay need to be addressed at this point. I will proof read the material for you and correct the errors. Just replace what I suggest you replace and the essay will be ready for you to use after you apply the changes.


- ... I have concerns about adapting to a new... Having an experienced... as I will have a reliable mentor... during my early days as a Bates...


-... worldview during my four years...

Thank you for helping me proofread! I appreciate your feedback and it really has been valuable to me!