"Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. These can also include your work experiences. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman/sportswoman, musical/artistic talent, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max: 300 words)"
Dipped heads, sudden jolts and the action of individuals frantically recovering their bearings. These are the sights that greet me during my trips with public transport.
I was determined to alleviate this issue, and ultimately made sleep deprivation the focus of my entry in the local competition, thefutureofus. Train rides became a hotbed of inspiration, and countless nights were spent on refining ideas. I eventually settled with the solution of a mobile application that wakens the user just before their final destination.
I was fortunate enough to have my proposal selected, which was subsequently displayed for public viewing. I take great pride in this achievement as it required a great deal of faith on my part, as entering the competition was a first for me. Moreover, coming from a business school, this was deemed to be disadvantageous in the sea of design and engineering educated entrants. Since then, I have been vigorously looking out for needs, in hopes of generating an idea that will effectively benefit our community one day.
Additionally, another important achievement of mine would be contributing more than 300 hours of service thus far. Back then, volunteering was simply a lingering thought. I eventually made the decision to do so back in late August, and have been actively helping out since then. As a volunteer at Dorcas Home Care Centre, I am responsible for the daily delivery of meals to over 50 home bound senior citizens, and accompanying frail elderly on their trips to various hospitals and polyclinics for their medical appointments. Furthermore, through the role of a medical escort, I would often translate information to patients and attempt to engage in conversations so as to assuage any feelings of loneliness.
My achievements may be regarded as my most important now, but with continual growth and progress, I believe that I can make my next achievement the greatest yet.
312 words
Hi there, I would gladly appreciate any help on my essay. I am rather uneasy about my conclusion, areas where I can cut my content and whether I am going off-point.
Thank you very much
Dipped heads, sudden jolts and the action [...] my trips with public transport.
This part is a bit confusing. Dipped heads? What exactly are they doing? Sudden jolts, frantically recovering their bearings... inside the subway? It leaves too much to be imagined, and only describes a small part of your experience with the public transportation and the issue that you're discussing about in the second paragraph.
I was determined to alleviate this issue, [...] just before their final destination.
thefutureofus should be capitalized, since it's a name of an event.
I was fortunate enough to have my [...] my next achievement the greatest yet.
Did you enjoy volunteering, or did you do it just to get the hours? What has the experience taught you, and do you want to do anything similar in the future for the community?
Hi Kev510,
1) Regarding the first query, I had the intention of starting off with an attention grabbing recount. Was it really too far fetched? How would you suggest that I should phrase it then?
2) Noted on the need for capitalization.
3) I sincerely enjoy volunteering, but I didn't know whether to focus more on what the experience has taught me VS elaborating on how it was an achievement, as I interpreted the focus of the essay to be about highlighting one's exceptional talent/achievement.
Thank you for the help.
Hi Liltheman,
I think you had the right idea in trying to help the reader capture an imagery, but bring up a real picture in your mind that depicts the imagery that you want the reader to see. I'll get back to you about #3.
