Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
One of the people that influenced me to apply to Syracuse University was my college advisor, Dr.Powell. I always talked about how I wanted to go to New York University and how I enjoyed living in the city. However, what I realized was that I did not want to leave my comfort zone. I did not want to leave the home-cooked meals behind. Dr.Powell always said to me that if I do stay in the city I will miss out in the college experience. In October 2012, I went to a college trip with Dr.Powell and other students. When we arrived to Syracuse, it was a new scenery. There were no skyscraper buildings, but instead a small city with a couple of shops. Immediately I fell in love with the campus. Walking through the campus all I saw were orange sweatshirts with " Syracuse" printed on them. I came to a conclusion that these students must have a lot of pride and spirit for their school. As I kept touring the campus, I began to realize that I cannot depend on my parents for everything, I knew that if I kept depending on my parents I would not be able to transition into independence and then to adulthood. The advice that Dr. Powell really opened up my eyes. Her advice made me see the bigger picture, How will I be able to adapt to new surroundings if I can't escape that comfort zone that I love so much? how will I be able to succeed if I can't make a life of my own? She made me realize that going away for college will open up my eyes to things that I never encountered before.
This is a good essay that's full of good points you might want to expand on. I don't know the word limit for the essay, so I am unsure whether you can afford to expand on some of the ideas you have presented. I actually had the same experience with my own college counselor, so I understand the feeling of being told to go outside of one's own comfort zone and the overall anxiety of doing so. There are some grammatical errors I have highlighted in bold below:
A person that influenced me to apply to Syracuse University was my college advisor, Dr.Powell. I always talked about how I wanted to go to New York University and how I enjoyed living in the city. However, what I realized was that I did not want to leave my comfort zone. I did not want to leave the home-cooked meals behind. Dr.Powell always said to me that if I do stay in the city I will miss out on the college experience. In October 2012, I went on a college trip with Dr.Powell and other students. where?When we arrived in Syracuse, it was acomplete change of scenery?new scenery There were no skyscraper buildings, but instead a small city with a couple of shops. Immediately I fell in love with the campustalk specifically of what you fell in love withWalking through the campus all I saw were orange sweatshirts with " Syracuse" printed on themand I I came to a conclusion that these students must have a lot of pride and spirit for their school. As I kept touring the campus, I began to realize that I cannot depend on my parents for everything, I knew that if I kept depending on my parents I would not be able to transition into independence and then to adulthood. The advice that Dr. Powell really opened up my eyes. Her advice made me see the bigger picture, How will I be able to adapt to new surroundings if I can't escape that comfort zone that I love so much? how will I be able to succeed if I can't make a life of my own? She made me realize that going away for college will open up my eyes to things that I never encountered before.
The questions you pose at the end are thought-provoking. You may want to delve into more detail on exactly what stood out to you when you toured the campus. But other than that, this is a great start to your essay! All it needs now is some minor tweaking and revision (and, perhaps, some expansion if you have enough space left).
wow!! thank you so much!!!!! i appreciate the help!
no problem! :) I wish you all the luck in finishing your applications!
@
meteruya
could u plz help me too!! urgent!!
do you think that I should delete the questions or try to reword it differently?!
Ok! Just tell me which essay in particular you want me to look at.
at nayeloyjello: Utilizing questions in an essay, especially the rhetorical ones you have used, are very hit and miss when it comes to college applications. That is, some people will like it right off the bat when they read them and for others, it just won't work. As for me, I appreciate the use of a new technique. However, I think you might want to cut out a question so that it won't seem like you're bombarding the college applications reader. "Her advice made me see the bigger picture, How will I be able to adapt to new surroundings if I can't escape that comfort zone that I love so much? how will I be able to succeed if I can't make a life of my own? She made me realize that going away for college will open up my eyes to things that I never encountered before. "
If you want, you may also reword the questions into sentences. Example: If I am not able to escape from my comfort zone, I won't be able to adapt to new surroundings. Living in such a competitive world, it would be nearly impossible for me to succeed if I can't make a life of my own living independently.
These are just suggestions but feel free to use them as you wish!
can we exchange emails ?!
That would be fine by me
okay thank you so much!!!! I think I will use the sentences that you came up with :)
my email is nayelijimenez0@gmail.com I can share you into my document.
Suggestion- add other reasons why you want to go to Syracuse. Im pretty sure the campus is not the only reason you are applying to Syracuse.
Im also applying, please help with mine!
nooo, I was not aiming to apply to syracuse because of the campus, I as trying to say that I am aplying to syracuse because it is out of comfort zone and I know that if I am academically challenged then I will be able to succeed in the real world
however, i do not see anywhere in your essay about your mentioning of academics.. you do not mention that syracuse will challenge you and show examples of how you will challenge yourself at syracuse.
my essay is mainly on how syracuse will help me discover a new adventure because I will step out of my comfrot zone .
That would be fine by me
Please, could you take a look at my essay titled 'The Perks of Being Tenacious' (I need a new title)?? I would really appreciate it!!
