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How will college allow you to achieve your goals?

Oct 11, 2009   #1
English is not my first language, so I think my essay is pretty plain. This essay is my transfer personal statement. Help wanted. Thank you all in advance!

Describe how your college education will allow you to achieve your personal or professional goals. Less than 500 words.

My mom says I was never a difficult child. She doesn't recall me asking for toys or beautiful dresses. All I wanted to do was to play with the boys on the small hill behind our building, catching bugs and observing fascinating creatures. I was born passionate about biology. I aced all the biology tests in high school and I did well in other science courses, especially chemistry. So after several career and personality tests online, hours talking with my teachers and parents, wide research and serious consideration, I chose pharmaceutics as my major in university. From the day I entered university, I've never regretted choosing this path.

My enthusiasm for biology and chemistry helped me in my academic study. Professors recognized me as the "front-seat-girl". I was on the dean's list and received scholarship two years in a roll. Fellow students admire me because I always ranked number one in my class. I simply love being in a lab and I can handle the equipments like a duck in water.

However, I came across many limitations in my previous university but I always tried to find ways to solve the problem. For example there wasn't enough research equipment for all students. Not a single university in China can afford the million-dollar vast array of facilities on Purdue campus. Quite often is the case that an HPLC was surrounded by 5 to 7 students rubber necking while only a single student is operating the machine. My study group always trusted me to do the operation to get the best experimental results for our reports and most of the time they just enjoyed a free-ride. But as the class representative I made up a rule that everyone must take turns operating the experimental machines; because I feel it was not fair for a single student to dominate the whole experiment, although it was I that operate the machine all the time. At the same time I was very concerned that I got less than enough training for my future career, so I e-mailed the problem to a prestigious professor in our department in my sophomore year. Surprisingly fortunately he welcomed me to work in his research lab from junior year. So I managed to make more of what my previous university can offer.

So I believe a university will always offer more to those who are looking for a positive change to achieve their personal and professional goals. And I think despite Purdue's diversity on campus, up to date experimental equipment and foreign internship opportunities, Purdue has a lot more to discover than I can imagine now. There are also many more academic challenges in Purdue, for which my passion and dedication will be used. Choosing Purdue is to choose an environment set up to success, which allows me to be among the strongest available candidates for entry the pharmaceutical industry.

Oct 11, 2009   #2
"And I think in addition to Purdue's diversity on campus, up to date experimental equipment and foreign internship opportunities"

What are your goals, again? Let me see . . .

Nothing much about it in paragraph 1 . . . or 2 . . . or 3 . . . not really in 4, either. If you don't say what your goals are, how can you explain how Purdue will help you achieve them? For that matter, you don't much attempt to answer that question, though you sort of hint at it in the last paragraph. Perhaps you should revise the essay to make sure you stay on prompt.

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