College of Arts and Science/accessibility; Unique qualities of EMORY U

Topic: What are the unique qualities of Emory University, and the specific school(s) to which you are applying (Emory College of Arts and Sciences, Oxford College, or both), that make you want to become part of Emory University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? Please limit your response to 250 words.

Essay:

I catapulted the tub of evidence towards my partner. "Did you download the Russian oil disadvantage file?"
"Yes! The one from Emory, correct?" I turned towards her and grinned,
"Precisely."
The research conducted at Emory on the various debate topics I have encountered surpasses the works of other Universities and Colleges. Ironically, I have been utilizing the materials and resources at Emory since my sophomore year. In debate they have taken me to finals rounds on numerous accounts and have qualified me for multiple selective tournaments. My aspirations of becoming a political science major began with debate and Emory supplied me with the resources to help it flourish. The unique quality that inspired my application was the accessibility Emory was able to provide, even to those that weren't students of the University.

I pursue being a student at Emory because of the College of Arts and Science. The research and experience possibilities through the Office of University-Community Partnerships and the Carter Center are a primary reason I hope to be admitted. Being able to conduct federal work or interning at the Carter Center for Peace Programs will allow me to pursue my academic interests in policy development and republics. I aspire to help establish just governmental systems in third world countries and the programs Emory can provide me with the necessary experience to execute these goals. Empirically I know I have utilized the evidence at Emory, all I need now is the ability to take advantage of the University itself.

Nicely written essay. It shows enthusiasm.


suggestion

CONTENT:
---Most of this could be said about many other colleges.
---You mention "accessibility" as one of the "unique" aspects of this school? Can you cite an example or two?
---You must discuss other things that make Emory different from every single other school.

VOCABULARY:
---too many "big" words used either incorrectly or unnecessarily

GRAMMAR/STYLE/PUNCTUATION
---quite stilted at times (ie, "Empirically I know I have utilized the evidence," "I pursue being a student")
---at least one comma fault
---odd use of passive voice

I wish to attend Emory's _(good adj)____ College of Arts and Sciences.


are the primary reason I hope to attend Emory

I'm not a fan of this, to be quite honest. It feels a little insincere to say you want to go to a University because you have used their research materials.

You give reasons that were applicable in high school, not so much college. Maybe add some more personal aspects