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UW College Essay: Family History/Cultural History --> Education Goals

izay1018 1 / 1  
Oct 23, 2017   #1
PROMPT: Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or present you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

move the "Land of the Free"

"I'm a wiener!" The children laughed at the naive, young Salvadoran girl. She had just won a game of handball, and had pronounced the word just as her ESL teacher had taught her- or so she thought. My mother moved to the San Fernando Valley at the young age of 6 years old. Being the youngest, she was the last of her family to move the "Land of the Free." The little girl spoke no English nor knew any American customs.

The feeling of distress was pervasive. He walked through the school halls annoyed, lonely, and upset. Every day his peers would attempt to copy his accent, and he would attempt to copy theirs. He spoke English fluently, yet had a thick Jamaican accent. My father moved to New York with his mother and younger sister at 17 years old. Little did he know he would spend the rest of his life in this new country.

As the child of two immigrants, hard work and education were always heavily emphasized. Despite never finishing school and attaining a degree, both of my parents realized that education was a privilege. They understood that receiving the highest education was integral to success. Growing up with these core values has always motivated me to take advantage of the blessings I have received. Although my parents never had these opportunities, my sister and I have done everything we can to repay them. In March, my sister Chinaya will receive her Associate's Degree from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise, and will soon move to New York to receive her Bachelor's Degree from the Fashion Institute of Technology. In June, I will graduate from high school in the top 10 percent of my class and hope to receive an M.B.A. in Marketing.

My parents arrived in the United States with limited opportunities and a dull future. However, through hard work my parents have built fantastic life for my siblings and I, allowing us all to experience wonderful opportunites.
just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 24, 2017   #2
Here are some corrections,

both my parents realized that
receiving higher education
everything we can, repay them
have built a fantastic life
wonderful opportunities
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,699 3503  
Oct 25, 2017   #3
Isaiah, your family's experience is indeed rich and engrossing to learn about. Yet, somehow, the essay feels like it is lacking something in its representation. It is as if your family culture and history, as in the nucleus family that your parents created, did not face any adversities in their attempt to better the lives of their children and the children did not face any challenges in the pursuit of your academic goals. This is a very simple essay that glossed over the dramatic aspects that the reviewer would like to read about, understand, and consider as part of your application. Perhaps you can develop the story of your nucleus family more by presenting how the lack of education served as drawback to your family's improvement in life. Delve a little deeper into the mindset of your parents that resulted in their desire to provide the best possible education for their children. As their children, did their lack of education have an adverse effect on you? Talk about the family experience because of the lack of education on your parents side. Do you consider those as challenges towards the pursuit of your academic goals? If so, why? If not, then explain why as well.

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