"Where do you want to go to college?" - Help With Admission Essay

"Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNC Wilmington will allow you to grow as a student and as a person."

-As I sit here staring at a blank screen, I keep thinking about what I have been told since my junior year of high school, "Your college entrance essay is the most important paper you will write in your life." I have to admit, knowing I am writing the most important paper of my life at eighteen years of age is extremely intimidating.

I pass UNCW almost daily, marveling at the stately red brick structures. I have attended events and camps held at UNCW, and since I was 12 years old imagined myself walking down the halls of these buildings, sitting underneath the tall pines, and strolling past the athletic fields.

As serene as these thoughts may be, the idea of being on my own, and wholly responsible for my actions, is exciting and exhilarating. While I grasp the values of time management, teamwork, sacrifice, and commitment through 13 years of dance instruction and competition, I know this new opportunity will further develop and refine those attributes. By becoming immersed in the varied cultural backgrounds that will be present, I am confident that I will become more open and educated to what is truly happening in the world around me. The thought of sitting with a group of students and discussing what they find important in life is very intriguing to me. I know what my core family values and principals are, but I cannot wait to have this discussion with a group of peers in a university setting. I am sure these discussions will result in disagreements, but I am also sure that I may realize a change in some of my opinions. I hope that I will develop friendships and relationships that I will carry with me the rest of my life.

While I understand that a portion of my education is about growing as a person, I also understand that I will need to develop the skills necessary to pursue a postgraduate career. By being surrounded by like-minded individuals, I feel it will be helpful to remaining focused on my ultimate goals. The educational opportunities presented to me will allow me to improve my communication skills, demonstrate that I will be persistent in achieving my goals and see them through to the end. One of the key components that I feel will benefit me the most is enhancing my ability to find out what I need to know. I have learned that not all information necessary to solve some problems may be readily available. Instances occur where you cannot simply open a textbook, ask a friend, or surf the internet, to find your answers. Many questions are answered by asking one question after another.

The most important question facing me in last two years has been an easy one for me to answer, "Where do you want to go to college?" I answered this question by asking many questions and the answer was the same each time, The University of North Carolina Wilmington-

You might want to consider getting rid of that and just starting with the second paragraph. Most people have heard this, more or less, and most feel intimidated. I think the essay can catch the reader's attention and sound more interesting if you just start with the action of "I pass UNCW..."


That sounded kind of odd to me. "As ____ as _____ may be" kind of sets me up for a really dramatic contrast. Serenity and excitement are different, but they aren't exactly the polar opposite-type of ideas that usually fit there. Are you trying to say something along the lines of "While I these thoughts fill me with serenity, I also feel a rush of excitement and exhilaration at the idea of..."?

While I grasp thevalue
I think it might be more meaningful to describe your personal values rather than state you understand a concept.


That seems kind of random just floating around in the middle of a sentence. I think you can end the sentence at the point before this and then have a sentence of have dance has and will continue to influence you

Okay, you sound like you would really like to go to UNCW--nice :-)

Yes and No... I think the beginning is OK. It has to be worked on but don't remove it. yes, i can feel how much you want to go there however you need more than strolling and imagining.

Let's get some work done.... How about saying what your interested in and how this college would give it a platform. some research project you're interested in and how wish to learn more about.

" The thought of ....me the rest of my life. " i don't agree. what do you find interesting you have not said.... and the whole thing is not showing you as a person.

I think you need to rework the content. Drop all inhibition and let the writing flow. Show that you are interesting and little nuts someone YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN OUR DIVERSITY OF CAMPUS.

Hope this helps.... Best of luck :)

You are a good writer, so it will be a shame if your essay does not make the big impression that you are able to make. Being a good writer is like having good aim when you try to blow out birthday candles, but good aim in candle extinguishing is not useful unless you take a deep breath. The deep breath, in this weird analogy, is the CONCEPT you are writing about.

When I look at this essay, I try to come up with 3 concepts that will help me know you. I can't find them! "I know what my core family values and principals are, but.." but you do not discuss them..the writing is obviously good, but I want you to try my strategy.

Think of 3 ideas that define you. The topic sentence (first sentence) of each paragraph will express powerfully one of these 3 ideas. So that is 3 body paragraphs.

I hope you can apply that idea while keeping some of these sentences, because you have some excellent sentences. It's important, though, to leave the reader with some excellent concepts to remember you by.