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'College is a very important part of life' - CU-BOULDER -- Evaluation and Comments


proximaankit 3 / 6 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #1
I will be the first person from both of my mother and father's side to graduate from an American high school and then attend college as a resident of USA. My family and I come from the country of Nepal, we moved to United States in March 2006. I have always enjoyed the field of science and coming to USA has helped find my future aspiration, to become a scientist in the field of astrophysics. The ancient Chinese philosopher, Laozi, once said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," I hope University of Colorado at Boulder (UCB) will be the first step that I take in my journey of becoming an astrophysicist.

The word diversity means a lot different things to me. I am a person who has lived majority of my life outside of the United States and belong to a minority group but I am also a person who holds diverse perspective on many matters, and those perspectives are not necessarily influenced by my background. After coming to USA, I loved all the existing cultures and the cultural fusion that has been occurring here, and so I became a cosmopolite, who enjoys cultures all around the world. As a result, I tend to favor global views instead of nationalistic views and believe nationalism as a respite in the universal civilization based on ration and knowledge. The open environment created early on by my family started the fusion of scientific thinking and aptitude in my mind and with the help of scientist like Carl Sagan, I started utilizing my critical thinking faculty for scientific purpose and questioning authority. All these events have led me to hold rational, open, and agnostic atheistic views and to follow secular humanistic principles. My perspectives would be lying in a waste if my love discussion or debates did not exist. I believe debating or discussing one another's viewpoints contributes towards creating a more knowledgeable being and that it is essential in order to understand each others' viewpoints. I hope to have a mutual transference of ideas and perspectives between my future colleagues and me in order to learn, understand and correct one another's ideas and perspectives at UCB.

College is a very important and integral part of life, the experience and the knowledge that is gained there will be carried on for the rest of the life. I have many hopes for my four years at UCB; I hope to make those four years to be one the most memorable and most helpful towards my future. UCB is known for its large funding from NASA, Joint Institute for Laboratory Astrophysics (JILA), and its Nobel laureates and MacArthur Fellows. During my time in UCB, I hope to take advantage of REU and internship opportunities, be involved in clubs such as the Badminton Club, and enroll in the university's Honors Program. Last but not the least I hope to meet new people with whom I form some lasting relationships.

Thanks in advance for you help.

suzeroonie 3 / 17 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #2
My family and I come from the country of Nepal, we moved to United States in March 2006.

Use a semicolon here instead of a comma, in between Napal and we. Otherwise, you have a comma splice.

I have always enjoyed the field of science and coming to USA has helped find my future aspiration, to become a scientist in the field of astrophysics.

I have always enjoyed the field of science, and coming to USA has helped me find my future aspiration:

I am a person who has lived majority of my life outside of the United States and belong to a minority group but I am also a person who holds diverse perspective on many matters, and those perspectives are not necessarily influenced by my background.
to become a scientist in the field of astrophysics.
I am a person who has lived majority of my life outside of the United States, and I belong to a minority group, but I am also a person who holds diverse perspectives on many matters, and those perspectives are not necessarily influenced by my background.

You answered the question well, and I liked how you included your diversity. You have an eloquent voice, but just had some logistical errors with grammar. Good luck :) I hope you can help me with some of my essays.


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