Help!
Hey it would really mean a lot if you guys can look over my essay.
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve
Based on the views I grew up with and the people in my life I looked up to, college is the key to a successful future. When it was time for me to apply to my desired colleges, I made sure I was prepared and had everything I needed to start the process. Little did I know that there was more to my journey than being accepted into my desired college.
My college admission process started very early and with preparation and I was looking forward to every new day with anticipation. I would check my email, mailbox and my cellphone constantly to see if I had anything new. Despite this, I noticed something that began to trouble me. Of my peers, I was one of the few who did not hear anything from admissions. I was very nervous, and scheduled a meeting with my guidance counselor to see if there was anything I could do to improve my chances. There was nothing I could do; and I ended up finding out that she never sent out my transcript or my recommendation letters to any of my colleges!
Time was ticking and in haste I applied to the liberal arts program at (Community College). With my intended major being in theater, I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave; that this program was not for me. I took the theater electives offered there; but left each class with an even greater desire to study theater in a structured academic environment, and even more convinced that this college was not meeting my need.
As I am becoming experienced with college life, I realize that I have been given the opportunity to meet and develop relationships with many people from different backgrounds. From my research, the(UNIVERSITY OF____) has a theater program that will keep me challenged with its academic programs, as well as having more knowledge of career opportunities and an opportunity to have a productive college experience will carry into my career of theater.
Attending a community College also has helped me learn more of myself and what I want in my education. I look forward to giving and receiving the best from my next college.I want to transfer to a university that allows me to immerse myself in an environment that will expand my mind creatively and intellectually. My ability to adapt to new environments shows that I can make the best of my college years and opportunities.
My college admission process started very early and with preparation and I was looking forward to every new day with anticipation.
I scratched out that part because you repeat what you already said .
I wouldconstantly checked my email, mailbox and my cellphone constantly to see if I had anythingreceived any news .
I ended up finding out that she never sent out my transcript or my recommendation letters to any of my colleges!
It may sound better like this: "Actually, I found out that she had never sent out my transcript or my recommendation letters to any of my colleges!"
With my intended major being in theater, I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave; that this program was not for me.
You go straight from saying that you applied, to needing to leave. This makes me see a gap in your tale, can you explain what happened more clearly? I see that in the next sentence you say that it did not meet your needs, but I feel like it is missing something.
From my research, the(UNIVERSITY OF____) has a theater program that will keep me challenged with its academic programs, as well as having more knowledge of career opportunities and an opportunity to have a productive college experience will carry into my career of theater.
This sentence is too long.. can you split this into 2 sentences?
it would really mean alot if someone could look of my essay. thanks a bunch!
This looks great! Nice job on your revised essay. I picked out a few minor things that you may want to change.
My college admission process started very early
You could say it like that: "I started my college admission process very early"
Despite this, I noticed something that began to trouble me.
Or, this: "Despite my enthusiasm, I noticed something that began to trouble me."
I was perfectly finesatisfied with going to (community college) but I started to miss outlong for an actual college experience.likeI wanted dorming, social gatherings, actually having school pride.andW ith my intended major being in theater, I decided to take the theater electives offered to me, but they were not challenging.
this college was not meeting my needs.
This is very very good. Well done! I think that your writing, structure, and grammar look great, and you are saying everything right. One thing that I noticed- you may just want to add in a sentence about your plan for after college. It doesn't have to be super specific, but just add in what you intend to use your degree for, or even if there is a certain field that interests you, like set design or something. The admissions really want to know that you are a person with a plan, so let them see that you envision a successful career after getting your degree. Once again, nice work. Good luck in school :)
