College essay on moving from one place to another back to back and my experience with it

Prompt: The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

This is my draft from over a year ago. Its really rusty and I need help from someone to proof read it. Its about 600 words and I have plenty of revisions to make on my own.Thanks I really appreciate it and be as brutal and critical as possible. The more honest it is, the more it helps! Once again Thanks

moving to india and coming back to america

The sun brighter and warmer than it had ever been before, the sounds of the grasshoppers, the whizzing of cars passing by, all seemed so peaceful and quiet for some reason. The temperature was perfect for me alongside the relaxing sensation from the warmth of the sun, it was as if the environment accommodated its climate just for me. As if I was never going to experience the same feelings again. Exactly 1 month before, was the day my father said, "Rishan, we're are going to India, not for vacation, but to live there". A part of me felt excited for the new things I could see in India, a new beginning, but that meant I had to leave all my friends and my hometown. I was afraid to move away from friends and family, afraid of not being the, "funny", guy in class, basically afraid of losing everything other than my family. I was worried I wouldn't see them all again and that I would make no friends in India. At the moment I did not know the reason we were going to India, but all I remember on the way to India was my mother telling me that there are always friends in this world.

The environment in India was completely different from the climate I knew in America, it stinked like cow dung at times, insects buzzed everywhere and bit me, and the scorching heat from the sun made me sweat like crazy. It was summer at the time and school had already begun, I was the, "new", kid at school. The kids in my class spoke english as well as 1 other language at the least. I only knew english and felt like I did not belong in the school. But as time went on I became more familiar with the environment and started interacting more with others. I was once again known as the, "funny", kid in my class and felt as if I had been in America again. Hardly had I become familiar with this school when I was uprooted again. We had moved to another school within India. To constant moving alongside the constant estrangement from my friends made it more and more difficult for me to open myself up to other people as I knew they would someday be gone again. Due to this, I never tried to get myself accepted into social groups and waited for them to invite me as I didn't want to abandon them as I did to the others.

Soon I realized that life would be boring just waiting for others to come to me, so I decided to take the initiative and be more social with others. Two years later, I had come back to America again knowing I would stay here for a good amount of time. This time I decided to tear down the wall of introversion that I had made while in India and decided to open myself up to new people. I had later broken the barrier and was back to normal once again. This time I had decided to make relationships and preserve them instead of throwing them away. Although there is a remnant of introversion in me, I will use it to my advantage and remember to be outgoing rather than being quiet throughout all my social engagements in the future. I can say that endeavoring through these constant dilemmas has made me a more outgoing person and changed my perspective on how to communicate with people.

Good content and story. I won't pick apart the little items as you say you realize that there are plenty of revisions to be made. I think maybe a reference to the different cities you lived in would make it more interesting and perhaps help each paragraph develop a sort of personality.

I'm pretty new to college level essay writing but perhaps you could "smooth out" some of the sentences.

EX: it stinked like cow dung at times, insects buzzed everywhere and bit me, and the scorching heat from the sun made me sweat like crazy.

The pungent aroma of cow dung, buzzing biting insects and the scorching heat combined to make me miserable as I entered this foreign environment

Rishan, the essay that you wrote is highly personal in nature and shows how you had to adjust your life a number of times in order to accommodate the needs of your family. It does need information updating in order to bring it more up to date to the current standards of the common app prompts. However, I would not use this essay for the common app prompt that you chose it for. This is an essay that is far better suited for one of two other prompt applications. Depending upon how you plan to further develop or revise this essay, you can use it for either of the following prompts instead:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

or

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Since you already previously wrote this essay, I strongly suggest using the latter prompt. You can create your own prompt question that the essay answers to. In the process, you will not have to revise too much of the original content. It simplifies your editing work in a way.

@Holt
alrgiht i think ill go with the "Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others." and elaborate it towards the end. i really appreciate ur help. thanks!

Rishan, there is something highly familiar about this essay. I seem to recall having edited this exact essay about a year or so ago at this forum. Are you reapplying to college using the same essay? Did you have a profile here before that was suspended and you got a new profile so you can get free advice again? Please be honest with me here. I need to know if this is your original work or if you plagiarized this essay. With regards to the essay, it does not fit the prompt. It would be better if you changed it to the prompt that asks:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

This is less of an obstacle story and more of a background narrative. That is why I am suggesting the prompt change. If you wish to use this essay, then you will have to use a different prompt. If you want to use the prompt, then you have to change the essay.