CA Prompt #1: Some students have a background, identity, interest or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story (500-650 word limit).
I need help shortening it just a little bit (it's like 660 words) and editing/revising.
As forty-two pairs of hands in the local temple's summer camp concentrated on transforming mundane terractta pots, I mindlessly refilled foam paint trays and controlled the demanding glitter supply, thousands of ideas swirling through my head. I was constantly giving the campers ideas if they needed help with their pots, but was unable instruct myself on beautifying my own.
After cleaning the mess, I finally sat down on the floor with my own terracotta pot, determined to "beautify" it during the allotted counselors' break time. Trying to create the perfect color, I spent at least ten minutes just mixing acrylic paints. The wet blob on my tray transitioned from vomit-like brown to burgundy to a pretty auburn, though none of the shades reflected the one I had in mind. I soon gained an audience of several counselors and campers as I continued to work in my little world. As nineteen pairs of eyes stared on, I finally smiled at the color I created: light crimson, the perfect background for the design already painting itself inside my head.
I dipped the smallest paintbrush in yellow, and to my horror, it splattered a huge yellowish brown dot on my beautifully painted pot. I frantically covered it with the leftover crimson paint, but the bristles of the brush left a wet mark on the already dried pot, creating a frustrating clash of textures. I went over the entire pot again with another coat using a spongy brush, this time dabbing the wet paint over with my finger, creating a slightly rough texture and evening out the paint.
At last, the entire pot was neatly covered in dried paint; the border, smoothly painted pistachio green, created a pretty contrast to the rest of the pot, colored a roughly textured crimson. Thirty paintbrushes and sponges sat in a large bucket in front of me, though none were able to accomplish what I had in mind. Not losing heart, I rummaged through an old cabinet, and returned with a short, stubby pencil. The look on everyone's face shifted from confusion to awe as I dipped it in paint and began delineating the flowers. With my eyebrows creased in concentration and thirty-eight eyes fixed on me, I used the eraser tip to dot eight perfect, bright yellow circles in a stagger on the pink background and white ones around the green border. After releasing a breath I hadn't known I was holding, I continued with the pencil tip to create tiny petals. My alternative tool had proved quite successful and I continued to use it, dipping the stubby pencil tip in leafy green paint to connect each of the flowers with thin vines. The lead began drawing lightly on the rough crimson paint, though, and it took almost fifteen minutes of dipping and lightly painting the vines to complete them. Finally, after scrutinizing every single detail multiple times, I decided I was satisfied.
The campers gawked in admiration at the drying pot while the other teen counselors shook their head in disbelief, not understanding why I wasted my hour-long break to perfect the little pot, telling me it could've just taken twenty minutes, not ninety, to make it look good. I told them good wasn't enough, perfect was. This mentality of perfection is reflected in almost everything I do. Whether it's a chore given by my parents or a project assigned in school, I've always put my best effort into each of my tasks. My habit of constant perfection is not only complimented by others, but also gives me the self-satisfaction I always crave. The truth is that I fear the flaws that will appear in my work if it does not reflect my ultimate potential, whether anyone notices them or not. Sometimes, the work I've done to perfect something has been acknowledged, and sometimes, it hasn't, but I can never sleep at night knowing I have given something less than my best.
JP, I believe that your essay will be much stronger once you lay the foundation for your story ahead of the actual background and talent / skill story that you developed for the response. When I read the essay the first time out, I found myself asking, what is she talking about? What is the point of her story? How much longer before she gets to the point? When a reviewer reads this essay and also develops those questions, due to the long climax build up of your story, the reviewer will most likely stop reading your essay. So it is best to establish the point of the story first and then relate the corresponding example of this trait. All you have to do is bring your final paragraph up to be beginning in order to accomplish that task.
When you have switched the opening statement, you should consider deleting the current paragraph that you have about the 32 pairs of hands doing the project along with you. Deleting that paragraph will help you meet the word requirement. Keep the story as short and direct to the point as possible. So use a transition paragraph at the end of the new introductory statement and then launch immediately into your predicament in the next paragraph. When you tell your story that way, you manage to deliver the point of the essay and the hook in the portions of the written work where it will be most effective.
After revising the essay, you can do a read through. Make sure that you are comfortable with the revised version and then add, delete, or keep the essay in the new form. The final look and message of the essay should have you comfortable with the essay you will be presenting to the reviewer. We will be here to help you accomplish that.
JP, I'd like to share my insights on your essay and hopefully shorten the essay to abide by the restricted number of words.
This 1st 3 paragraphs can be merged into one and further eliminate some unnecessary words, this is also to avoid your essay from looking too crowded with
segmented paragraphs.
- camp concentrated on transforming mundane terraco tta pots,
- I mindlessly refilled foam paint trays and controlled the demanding glitter supply,
- After cleaning the mess, I finally sat down on the floor with my own terracotta( we have established that our subject is a pot ) pot, - I spent at leastabout ten minutes j
- I soon gained an audience of several counselors and campers
- as I continued to work in my little world .
- As nineteen pairs ofthere eyes stared on ,
- I finally smiled at the color I created: light crimson,
- the perfect background for the design that's already painting itself insidein my head.
There you have it JP, I hope the remarks I made helped your essay.
