Hi, I am planning to use this essay for my fall regular applications. Please share any suggestions, critique and feedback, I'm REALLY open to ANY criticism!!
Finding an own place in a community
"You can't create harmony, because you don't listen to each other!" our conductor yelled, his voice hysterically shaking.
Bad Ischl International Choir Competition was in two days, and we were practicing on the bus on our way to visit Mozart's Home. Before we arrived, he instructed us with the most basic school trip precautions: never to leave the group, never to go anywhere without permission and never to leave his field of sight.
Perhaps as an instinctual survival tactic, people tend to keep distance between them and anything they aren't familiar with. Especially Turks, whose notion of safety is distorted in light of the ongoing terrorist attacks, tend to take even more precautions. Some of these repeated warnings make perfect sense, whereas some make a person question their benefit. But either way, as the famous Turkish proverb goes: "Bir musibet bin nasihâtten evlâdır." (One calamity is more effective than one thousand advices).
The trip had begun, but little did I know that my feelings throughout were to fluctuate so greatly, from remarkably in-awe to downright intimidated. We were walking around, taking photos, singing along and things were going smoothly, until I-as a result of spending way too much time trying to choose the perfect bracelet for my grandmother's liking-lost sight of my group.
Panic quickly overcame me. I felt my hands starting to sweat. I even remember thinking that if I was granted a once-in-a-lifetime right to beam myself up, I would've used it there and then. Yet, while the idea of getting lost also made me anxious, the main reason of my discomfort was simply the lack of confidence resulting from the absence of my friends. Now I was alone amongst people I didn't know, hearing a language I couldn't understand. I frantically searched for something familiar to cling to. I retraced our steps but found no one. Finally, dehydration and exhaustion overwhelmed my anxiety, and I had to sit down for a second to catch my breath.
Then it struck me: I wasn't going to come back here anytime soon. While wasting my time and energy trying to find the group, I was missing the moment. Instead of appreciating the uniqueness of the city, I was avoiding it. That thought made me see the irrelevance of my momentary fear. Only after that realization did I start to notice the crowd and the attractions around me-a group of singers dressed as a deck crew on the sidewalk, love locks hanging all over the bridge spanning the Salzach River, propagandists trying to distribute brochures of a political party, and myriads of unique Viennese. I even got to meet the creator of the SalzBurger.
It wasn't that I suddenly felt like I belonged there; I just didn't have to anymore. I had found solace in that foreignness. I felt confident and sheltered like I was home; only now, my haven was the entire world and not merely my comfort zone.
Life is filled with doubts and fears; but only if we take the initiative to put ourselves out there, listen to people from different backgrounds, realize the beauty of diversity and unite our individual strengths, can we create harmony. Then, and only then, we can genuinely experience the status of being a well-educated individual: a person able to express and defend her ideas, truly relate to people and serve as a team player. We might not have the same interests, goals, cultural backgrounds or beliefs, yet we have our minds to share.
To me, the concept of belonging to just one single community is just a legacy of tribalism and the breeder of xenophobia; and I know for a fact that I will never be, neither intellectually nor spiritually, satisfied by the limited world of the familiar. Because now, I feel like a true citizen of the world.Hi, I really enjoyed reading your essay. I like how you tried to connect back to the harmony theme in your intro, but I don't know if you were completely successful. Maybe if you refer directly to the concept that harmony requires listening to each other. And that we can only listen to each other effectively if we are willing to take risks and reach out to others. Another aspect is that if the choir members are singing the exact same notes, the harmony will not sound nearly as rich as if they are singing a variety of notes, quite different from each other - so you could tie that into the importance of seeking out and encountering diversity. Here are some specific suggestions:
[The] Bad Ischl International Choir Competition was in two days
instructed us with {this sounds a bit awkward to me - maybe "he imparted the most ..."}
people tend to keep distance between [themselves] and anything
(One calamity is more effective than one thousand advices). {this saying doesn't quite translate, because advice is not countable in English - maybe "warnings"?
from remarkably in-awe to downright intimidated. {so the intimidated part comes when you get lost? A little unclear}
if I was granted a once-in-a-lifetime right {"right" isn't quite right ;) Maybe "opportunity"}
getting lost also made me anxious, {I would leave out the "also"}
Finally, dehydration and exhaustion overwhelmed my anxiety, {I might choose a different word than dehydration - it seems like it would take hours to become dehydrated, but it doesn't seem like that much time has passed}
a group of singers dressed as a deck crew {I'm not sure what you mean by a "deck crew"} on the sidewalk,
... can we create harmony. {this seems to be a big connection to your intro, but I don't really see the connection between taking risks and creating harmony}
Then, and only then, [can we] genuinely experience
and the breeder {"breeder" sounds a little odd to me - maybe "breeding ground" is better?} of xenophobia
@TJLuschen
Thank you so much! That suggestion really helps! I rearranged my last paragraph:
My choir conductor might've been mistaken with his doubts and fears, but he was right about one thing: Harmony requires listening to each other. That includes taking initiative to reach out to people from different backgrounds, because if everyone sings the same notes, the song won't sound nearly as rich as if they were singing a harmony of notes. So, we must seek-out and encounter diversity; then, and only then, can we genuinely experience the status of being a well-educated individual: a person able to express and defend her ideas, truly relate to people and serve as a team player. We might not have the same interests, goals, cultural backgrounds or beliefs, yet we have our minds to share and ears to listen.
To me, the concept of belonging to just one single community is just a legacy of tribalism and the breeding ground of xenophobia; and I know for a fact that I will never be, neither intellectually nor spiritually, satisfied by the limited world of the familiar. Because now, I feel like a true citizen of the world.
What do you think now?
Hi, I think this modification is an improvement as it sort of ties the essay together better. Here are a couple of minor suggestions:
That includes taking [the] initiative to reach out
as rich as [when we sing] a harmony of notes. {everything else is first person, so I would make this phrase first person also} So, we must [seek out] and encounter {"encounter" seems a bit odd - maybe "embrace"?}
{"experience the status of being a well-educated individual" seems overly complicated - could you say this more concisely?}
