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College Essay, Topic A, help edit, is due by Nov., Edit anything: Vocab, Grammar, Puncuation


peanutgirl 1 / -  
Oct 16, 2016   #1
I come from a Mexican American family. I live with both my mother and father and two little sisters. My father has been in the military for 21 years, serving under the cyber department and is now looking forward to becoming a Colonel in the near future. My family and I have moved to three different states and eight different houses. I have been to five different schools, each one with people and systems I was not familiar with. We never considered any of our locations home, since living the military life didn't provide a real stable foundation anywhere. The one true place I consider home is San Antonio, Texas. It's where most of my extended family lives; my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It's where I was born along with the rest of my family. I went on my first field trip, played my first softball game, and adopted my first dog in San Antonio. It's also a place where I feel most connected to my heritage; visiting the missions, eating and cooking traditional Mexican food, seeing my extended family and enjoying the festivals and Mexican traditions downtown always made me feel welcomed there. It was difficult to say goodbye to when we had to move away. We left San Antonio three times; to El Paso for three years, Georgia for one year, and Virginia for seven years. I remember crying every time I left San Antonio, because I was always afraid we were never going to go back to the one place that felt like home. It wasn't until my mom told me something when we were transitioning to Virginia that I realized that that wasn't the case at all. She sat me down in the middle of emptying our boxes, gave me a warm hug, and said "No matter where we are, and where were going next, as long as we are together, we are home." Ever since that night, I had changed myself for the better. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and refusing to open myself up to new adventures, I blossomed academically, spiritually, emotionally, and socially. I started to make friends, people whom I'm still in contact with today. I became more involved in my community, volunteering and becoming familiar with the areas. Because ever since that night, I know home is not a place, but loved ones who are always there to support and love unconditionally.

prajain 2 / 6 2  
Oct 16, 2016   #2
Focus on impacts of you shifting rather than mentioning and how did that one moment turn the tables. Like she gave me a hug and then this- happened and then this and everytime I didn;t want to take new adventures that image flashed in my head and i knew my mom was there supporting me
dils 20 / 33 2  
Nov 14, 2016   #3
Hi Victoria Plata,

Your writing is good, but in order to make it better, here some suggestions for you.

I live with my mother, father, and two little sisters.

I have been in five different schools,...

It is a place where I was born and spent time along with the rest of my family.

There I got my first field trip, played my first softball game, and adopted my first dog in San Antonio.

It was difficult to say goodbye when we had to move away.

I always afraid...

I realized that it wasn't the case at all.

Ever since that night, I know home is not a place, but loved ones who are always there to support and love you unconditionally.

Overall, you have a good idea to share with, it may just about how to let the flow of the writing becoming smooth as I totally engaged in your writing.

Good luck.


Home / Undergraduate / College Essay, Topic A, help edit, is due by Nov., Edit anything: Vocab, Grammar, Puncuation