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College Essay for University of Texas at San Antonio (Topic A) Household, community, and environment

Sofieb52 1 / -  
Sep 6, 2018   #1

Household, community, and environment

My first memory of life is sitting in a hospital cafeteria, eating chocolate chip waffles drenched in syrup while my mom was giving birth to my little brother. I was four years old at the time and life seemed to be great, considering my age. When I was seven my parents separated and I started to learn more about relationships and their real meanings. I don't hate my dad but I hate the things he has done and as I got older I realized how manipulating people can be, but I pushed through with my mom by my side. I would normally visit my dad on Wednesdays and every other weekends but growing up as a girl, it was getting harder for me to bring clothes, makeup, and shoes every time I would switch houses and I was just honestly tired of the lifestyle I was living. I eventually chose to live with my mom because it was easier and I didn't want to be around or see my dad anymore. Now, we are a family of three, my mom, stepdad, and brother. My brother is fourteen and he has been through a lot for his age but I am proud to say I am there for him if he ever wants to talk to me because I understand what he goes through sometimes. My mom, stepdad, and I have a complicated bond. I know my mom means no harm, but she's been through so much she can't notice that sometimes the things she does are wrong. She has taught me to be hardworking, strong, and most of all, independent. Everyday I learn something new about my mom and I strive to be as experienced as she is one day. My stepdad is an interesting person, I've learned a lot from him even though we barely talk. We are both stubborn and our personalities always clash, but my mom is always behind us, quickly sweeping everything up to make sure nothing goes wrong, like moms do. Going through so much change in my life has helped me adapt to things better whether it's at school or work. My parents, my mom and stepdad, are proud of the woman I have become and I would not be the same if it wasn't for them and how they raised me to show compassion and integrity in everything I do. I love making people proud, especially my parents, because sometimes they question my abilities, but once I succeed, it's always a joy telling them that you made it, or anyone for that matter. Growing up in one family and then going through the transition of joining another has taught me the value of family and has carved my identity so precisely. All of my past experiences, negative or positive, have molded me into the person that I am today. As a seventeen year old, I know very little about life. However, my parents have driven me into the right path and made sure I feel confident in every decision that I make. I know that I will succeed throughout my whole life because I am driven and know that following my dreams no matter what is the most important.

Holt - / 7,580 2001  
Sep 7, 2018   #2
Sofie, this essay has a razor sharp focus on your unique family unit that helps it tell an interesting story about who you are and how you came to be. However, your story is presented in "chapters" so to speak so each chapter of your life presentation should be given a separate paragraph. That makes it easier to follow the narrative you are presenting and also helps to highlight certain aspects of the presentation.

I don't think you should start the presentation at age 4 though. There wasn't really much going on in that part of your life based on the manner you were telling it. However, if you could add more information about how your mother was something like a wonder woman of sorts, raising a newborn and you at the same time, with an indication of the problems your family life faced at the time, then your opening sentence will carry more emotional impact for the reader. The part about her being in labor but caring for you at the same time draws attention but requires further development.

With regards to your father, consider discussing some points where you were in disagreement with him that led yo to eventually choose to live with your mother. That will be more convincing for the reviewer to read instead of complaining about having to move your things between homes. A complicated relationship that left you with no choice but to pick one parent over the other would make more sense.

It is because of these questions that I have about your relationship with your father that makes me question if he is included in your definition of "my parents". Since you claim to not spend a lot of time with your dad and you don't get along, I think you need to be more definite about what your definition of your family nucleus unit truly is.

The complete presentation is impressive. It is a very good depiction of who you are and why. Although some questions exist and clarifications are needed at certain points, I believe this is a strong enough essay to catch the attention of the reviewer once it is read.

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