The essence of the prompt is that this essay is an optional opportunity for show and tell by proxy and with an attitude. Please let me know what you think!
Who am I? On the most basic level, I am the random pairing of 23 different chromosomes crossed between two physician parents. I am sixty four inches of unique DNA constantly being transcribed and translated. I'm made up of trillions of microscopic cells all working together towards a bigger purpose. Dark hair cascades to my waist -- did I mention all the proteins I consist of? -- and two piercing eyes sit disproportionately low on my forehead.
In the fall, I am a collection of 12 different pairs of soccer cleats, all of them differently colored and broken in by the heat of the game. During the winter, I am the worn out leotards covered in chalk and the new skills acquired at early morning workouts. On the weekends in the summer, I am the pitches I paint across the plate, the bases I steal on unsuspecting catchers, and the laughter among my teammates. I feel that the name on the front of the jersey is more important than the name on the back, and for this reason I am an invested team member.
I am a high school transcript filled with good grades and difficult classes, but moreover, I am the countless hours spent grueling over schoolwork to achieve that outcome. When school lets out on Fridays, I am not a red solo cup at a party, but rather, I am the spinning melodies, articulations, and arpeggios I play up and down my flute during lesson. In my spare time -- what spare time?? -- I am the words that I dance across the pages in my notebook as I weave prose.
I am a believer in fairytales. I dream often and purposefully. At times, I am Wendy still waiting for Peter Pan to return to take me to Neverland, and at other times, I am more like Alice in Wonderland, just a little too far down the hole. In my world, unicorns can exist, and nothing is ever too far out of reach. My best thinking comes when I'm in the shower, that is, of course, in between the time when I'm belting out lyrics from the Mowtown era and when I'm washing my hair.
All in all, I am just another high school student struggling to find my way and project my own voice in this world. I recognize the importance of my successes in this process, but can also take ownership of my failures along the way. My mind is sharp and quick, and my spirit is strong and eager, so I am confident that when I arrive as an incoming freshman at the College of William and Mary, I'll be ready to hit the ground running. I am someone who has experienced everything from utter defeat, to triumphant victory; and am balanced enough to understand that no matter what the outcome is, it is the process that is what builds mastery
I LOOOVE it! Beautiful prose.
Just a few minor suggestions:
When school lets out on Fridays, I am not a red solo cup at a party, but rather, I am the spinning melodies, articulations, and arpeggios on my flute . In my spare time (what spare time?) I am the words that dance across the pages in graceful prose .
Some times (no comma) I am Wendy still waiting for Peter Pan to return to take her to Neverland; at others(no times) , I am Alice, just a little too far down the hole.
My best thinking comes (no 'when I'm') in the shower
My mind is sharp and quick, my spirit strong and eager; so I am confident...
I am someone who has experienced everything from utter defeat, to triumphant victory; and am balanced enough to understand that no matter what the outcome is, it is the process that is what builds mastery -- what exactly are you trying to say here? If the college application process is your 'process', what are you trying to gain mastery over? Try revising, and repost. I'm absolutely sure you can come up with a stronger ending.
Also, avoid contractions (I will and not I'll, I am and not I'm).
Great job! the adcom is bound to love you. Good luck!
PS - if possible please critique my new Macalester essay (on diversity)
