I am not an native speaker and I think my essay is awkward, silly, but can't find the way to make it right. Comment for me (note that i'm applying to some college but prefer taking a gap year if my favorite college reject me)
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Before I wrote my application essay, I had been definitely confident for the reason that I got high score on literature and writing classes. I assumed that some essays wouldn't make hard for me. However, my belief broke as soon as I tried to find the answer for my essay.
I searched thoroughly every document that I could find in the Internet and even bought some essay books for myself. It was exciting what I got from those documents about how to write an application essay, and how to reveal myself in this essay. Additionally, I had to tell experience that says something good about me, something impressive. Days, weeks and months, I worked on my essay and this made me feel that I was learning to be a writer. Following all the steps, I dug into my memories to look for something special and wrote all them down in papers, which to my surprised were nearly twenty.
At the very first time, I chose my father for my essay's topic. When I was a child, I used to believe the protection of my father for me as the strict discipline. Sometimes, whenever he tried to prevent me from getting into bad things, I misunderstood him and hated him so much. However, I have been growing up. Then, as long as I become more mature, looking back at that time, I gradually recognized his love for me, his support for me as a whole-hearted father. Nonetheless, I was scared to express me as an immature person although latter I said a little about my realization awkwardly.
Crossing the old essay, I tried to elaborate on topic of friendship. All information showed that it would be better to write a story in which I had to prove my affection to others or my friend's affection in me. I thought a lot to choose the suitable story which could best reveal something about me. I have been in many situations when friends always played important roles. When I was a little scared boy, a little girl friend came to open the door of my spirit and opened her girl world to me. When I grew up, I had to face the dilemma between a good girl friend and a boy who was jealous with me. However, no longer did I play a melodious part for my essay. I was stuck to reveal me, not for any specific reason, but this kind of "no specific reason" did make me no one, make me no different from others. Thus, I one more time changed my mind.
I sounded dull when I started with the idea of failure and success, especially when I chose the topic of tear. I knew that a boy shouldn't write about that, but it was a part of me definitely, and there is no point not to choose it. Besides, if I succeeded, it would reveal a lot of me. I cried when I was a little child. I cried when I fail, when I feel lost and alone. I even cried when my dreams came true. For me, tears were like wiping out bad things and refreshing my mind with the promising future. However, "I hated saying this word", I stopped in the middle of everything. I messed everything up and couldn't understand what I was trying to say: my failures, my successes, my tears and what I was supposed to do in conclusion. I said too much, so my essay was not specific.
When my friends read the first draft of my essay, they all said that I was too honest to write what I had been thinking. They showed me their essay and showed me how to lie, how to bombast about myself, but I couldn't. All the documents I read told me not to lie, just write the truth.
I wonder if I should followed the tips of those documents or the tips that my friend gave to me. Tell the truth but get in stuck, tell the lie but not being myself. Or, I just write my essay spontaneously. There is one thing I'm sure that I listened to many other people, from the internet, from books' author, from my friends, now there is the time for someone listens to me, someone who really wants to listen to their candidate for your school.
While writing this application essay, I have learned many lessons for my life in surprising way. I never know my father is so great like that. I never realize how important my friends are. And I never before treasured my failures as well as my successes. I never know that I have done all of those things for many years but didn't realize. Now all I need is just a great result to deserve what my father, my friends and I myself expect in me. I have carved this in my heart: each essay is a chapter of one's life. Then I am waiting to finish this beautiful chapter.
Before I wrote my application essay, I had been definitely confident because in the past, I've always gotten high scores on literature and writing classes.
I assumed that the essays wouldn't be hard for me. However, my belief broke as soon as I tried to find the answer for my essay.
I searched thoroughly every document that I could find on the Internet and even bought some essay books for myself.
Additionally, I had to tell of experiences that say something good about me, something impressive.
Following all the steps, I dug into my memories to look for something special and wrote all them down on paper, and to my surprise, there were nearly twenty.
The first time, I chose my father for my essay's topic. When I was a child, I used to believe the protection of my father for me was strict discipline.
Since I have become more mature , looking back to that time, I gradually recognized his love for me, his whole-hearted support for me as a father .
Nonetheless, I was scared to express me as an immature person although latter I said a little about my realization awkwardly. [b]this sentence doesn't really make sense to me, can you clarify it?
b]
:)
How about that? I have changed a little bit on my essay.
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As I began to construct my application essay, I felt confident because I have always scored well in literature and writing classes. I assumed that an essay would not be a difficult thing to tackle. However, as I began to write and reflect on my essay, I started to struggle with the material.
In hopes of finding inspiration and guidance, I searched the Internet and bought essay writing books for myself. The advice from these sources about how to reveal myself in an essay was exciting. Many of these sources suggested that I share an experience to illustrate my qualities. Days, weeks and months, I labored on my essay. This made me feel that I was learning to be a writer. Following all the suggested steps, I dug into my memories to find something special. I wrote these memories down on paper, and to my surprise, at the end they numbered nearly twenty. I would like to share a few of these memories in the hopes that will display for you my personality and academic commitment.
First, and most importantly, I would like to discuss the influence my father has had on my life. When I was a child, I used to believe in the protection of my father for me as his strict discipline. Sometimes, whenever he tried to prevent me from getting into bad things, I misunderstood him and resented him. As I became more mature and looked back on his strict discipline, I gradually recognized his love for me, and his support for me as a whole-hearted father. My English teacher reviewed my essay for me and she said: "How did your father affect your life. See, you expressed yourselves as an immature person. All I need in your essay is what happens after the time when you realized the love of your father. That will say more about you." What happens next, I don't know. I have to have a success to prove my father influence, but which of my success can do that?
Next, I would like to elaborate on the topic of friendship. According to the essay writing advice of the books, it is better to write a story in which I prove my affection to others or my friends' loyalty to me. I thought a lot about a suitable story that could best illustrate these qualities to you. I have been in many situations when friends played important roles. When I was a boy, a little girl friend opened the door of my spirit by sharing her girl world with me. As we grew up, a dilemma arose between this good girl friend and a boy who was jealous of me. To deal with this problem was hard because I don't want to make anybody disappointed. After a long time of loosing, healing and understanding, I finally made the good relationship between us. I was thankful that my friends believed in me. Still, my essay got stuck; my teacher didn't like it. She told me that what I had been trying to say is not the characteristics that a college expected in their students. Dealing with love wouldn't work. Thus, I changed my mind again.
The last issue that I would like to discuss is the idea of failure and success. I have known a taste of both and have met both with tears. I know that a boy shouldn't write about this, but it is a part of me and there is no point not to choose it. I cried when I was a little child. I cried when I failed, and when I felt lost and alone. I even cried when my dreams came true and I was happy. For me, tears were like wiping out bad things and refreshing my mind with a promising future and I still embrace these parts of myself and take on the challenges of life fully. When I finished my essay, I brought it to my friends, not my English teacher because I was tired of hearing her criticisms. Nonetheless, all of my friends disagreed with me. They all said that I was too honest to write what I had. They showed me their essays and showed me how to lie, how to write with bombast about myself, but I couldn't. I did not want to lie, but only just write the truth.
I decided to write my essay spontaneously and share with you the three most influential elements of my past: my father, my childhood conflict, and my frustrations. I listened to many other people's advice on how to write this essay, from the Internet, authors, from my friends. But now there is the time for someone to listen to me, someone who really wants to understand me as candidate for university and as a person in possession of the means to achieve success.
While writing this application essay, I have reflected on the many lessons of my life and their importance in helping me choose the direction of my life. I realize the great impact my father had on me. I realized how important my friends are. And I realized that I must treasure my failures as well as my successes. I did not realize that I have been influenced by all of those things for many years but didn't appreciate it until having to reflect on them for this essay. Now I feel a great sense of responsibility towards the people I have mentioned, my father, my friends, and my self, to meet and exceed their expectations for me. I have carved this in my heart: each portion of this essay is a chapter of my life. I am hoping for the opportunity to write the next chapter at your institution. Please allow me that chance.
