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JackieC 3 / 1  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Are my ideas clear? What do you think?
Please help! I dont mind if you're brutally honest =)

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)

When I was young, I always watched my mother oil-paint. All the colors on the canvas hypnotized me: I had to try it. Swirling the different colors on the palette and applying it to the canvas, I found myself freely expressing my emotions. Since then, oil-painting not only became my passion; it became my therapeutic elixir. Just like the people who write in their diaries, I record my life on an oil-painted masterpieceïfilling it thickly with rich colors and feelings. Dark slabs when I'm sad; bright strokes when I'm happy. Although the color strikes in dissension initially, it slowly harmonizes after layers of paint. Through the years, I've noticed how closely related oil-painting is to the real world. The canvas is the world; the colors, the discordance in life. Just like how I blend the colors on my canvas, I hope I'll be able to harmonize the society someday.

zahras93 1 / 20 2  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
Yes, your ideas are clear enough. It reminds me of the quote by Stephen Covey in Masterpiece!
Its much longer but i have my abridged version:
If life were a canvas, i would paint it with all the wonderful colors in the world!

Good Luck
sbdaiquiri 8 / 21  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
I think this is a really well-written short answer. I especially like your varied use of syntax(huge fan of dashes)!

here are some suggestions:

Just like the people who write in their diaries

Maybe change "an oil-painted masterpiece" to canvas since your oil painting is your recording rather than the medium through which you record.

"I hope I'll be able to harmonize the society someday."
It will probably benefit you to give a brief description of how you will be able to harmonize society in the future. Perhaps, through depictions of peace and prosperity in your paintings?

can you please take a look at my Cornell supplement?
rosschang 2 / 8  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
i like your short answer-- it's very lyrical.
But i agree with sbdaiquiri. You should elaborate on your last line. Just make sure you dont exceed 150 words
chanj 3 / 6  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
yeah it kind of does sound like you're talking about racism.
you might want to change "different individuals"
dsspann23 - / 2  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
This is a well-written short answer. The emotion and feelings that are displayed through your figurative language is remarkable.

Can you please give me feedback on my essay?

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