I just finished it and want to know your comments. I wanted to portray my strong personal feelings and love for this school by making it personal, but I'm worried that it may be TOO personal, to the point that it can annoy the reader. After reading it, do you feel that it contains a lot of overly informal or irrelevant sentences? Does the last paragraph make sense? Is it too long for a Why essay? (594 words)
Also, I'd really appreciate grammatical error corrections.
Note: I don't need polite assurance. I just want my essay to be as good as possible, so please be harsh in your feedback!
Thanks!
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When you are an international student who cannot do campus visits, not even have put your feet on the US, people don't believe you when you say "I fell in love with Colorado College at first sight." I really did. When I started watching YouTube videos about CC, I was immediately mesmerized by the open, natural beauty of the location and the plain-looking, unpretentious people on campus. The close, intimate relationships between students and teachers instill into me a homey feeling. It warms my heart to see the way CC professors prefer to be called by first name, and the way President Celeste, just wearing a short and a casual shirt, delivered a speech in front of CC alumni with such passion and enthusiasm.
A major factor that draws me to CC is the unique Block System, which will perfectly suit my learning style. Having to handle twelve subjects simultaneously and learning in an education system that prioritizes natural sciences, I sometimes regret not having invested enough time and truly getting involved in social sciences areas. The Block Plan would give me the opportunity to completely immerse myself in only one course at a time. I love the prospects of going to class to discuss ecology, staying home obsessed with ecology, reading and writing papers on ecology all night, and even going on field trip in Belize to really experience ecology. With the Block Plan, I would be able to learn for the sake of learning instead of just fulfilling the basic requirements for "good grades" without developing an in-depth understanding of the subject.
There is something about the location of CC that "wows" me every time I look at the whole geographical setting of the school. I have been inspired by the story of Christopher McCandless, the courageous and rebellious guy who walked "into the wild", and shared with him a passion for the environment. It blows me away just imagining my life in the sublimity of the ridiculously green campus, the pure wilderness of the snow-covered Rocky Mountain, and the natural beauty of rocks surrounding the campus where I would do my favorite hobby of rock-climbing in block breaks and holidays. Furthermore, the location of CC would provide an ideal environment for my future studies and researches as an Environmental Science major. CC's location is so special that the closer I look at the school, the more I am convinced that the CC community will be filled with students who share my goals and interests.
Four months ago, like many friends of mine who were applying to American colleges, I tried to make an extensive list of what I wanted in a college, a list compiled of my fancy, preconceived wishes about a US education. "Well, a vibrant and well-connected location is a must. A diverse community too, and a place with lots of entertainment attractions would be a big plus." When I heard people on CollegeConfidential forum saying: "Colorado Springs is dead," "It's no college town," I almost turned down CC. As I saw CC for myself, however, I realized that to me, CC is so full of energy and vitality. "You don't choose who to fall in love with" - and I realize that it is best to listen to my heart. It is not a college town, or the hustle and bustle of a big city that I am seeking. All I really want now is a place where I can learn, play, hang out, and live the way my inner self has always dreamed of.
CC just feels right.
It's not too personal. It's quite good in that regard, actually. I'd do something about the order of your ideas, though. You start out by talking about CC's location and natural beauty, switch to the Block program, then go back to talking about the location and environment. It would make sense to combine everything about the location into one paragraph. Also, be careful with your diction -- I don't know that describing the people at the university you are applying to as "plain-looking" is a good way to win favor with the admissions officer. And "It blows me away" is a bit informal for this sort of essay.
