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Columbia - Who am I? birds and beauty (is it focused? do I repeat myself?)


ekfoong 10 / 46  
Jan 3, 2010   #1
basically I want to know if... it is focused? do I repeat myself? If you've read my past pieces, this is kind of a conglomeration of the portions that I liked best :)

Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).

My finger gingerly follows the lines of the brown ink ambigram tattooed upon my wrist: Carpediem.

My bedroom walls are plastered with a motley of obscure underground indie band paraphernalia.

My sketchbook is filled with hundreds of charcoal visions inspired by scenes that have slipped through the cracks of appreciation.

I come from a seemingly picturesque world where the dregs of imperfections are non-existent. I live in Inverness, Illinois where a 4 member family, matronly SUV, and golden retriever are the ingredients to assimilation. My community is a well-oiled organization with a robotic demeanor resembling that of Stepford. High school is a center of predestination, dictated by the dings of bells and the lectures of teachers.

However, amongst this utopic suburbia, lies a veiled nuance of adventurous vitality. Like a story, Inverness possesses more than one perspective and each perspective is lovely in its own right. Sometimes things deemed robotic can be vibrant, and sometimes the ugly can be the most beautiful of all.

The other day, the sight of a bird carcass interrupted my stroll. The rotten stench settled in my nose and the sun soaked putrid flesh was palpable in the air. Most people would avert their head in disgust; however, the scene possessed a profound gravity that I couldn't ignore. Beneath the ugliness, my eyes connected with the biological magic of hollowed bones, and intricate feathers. The ethereal experience triggered my mind to wander: How old was this poor creature? Was it beautiful in flight? Why do hollow bones allow birds to fly? My thoughts consumed time, and the adrenaline of studying such a magnificent natural phenomena gave me invigorating tingles. All the while, my pencil reconstructed the flesh upon the skeleton and restored life to its remains. Through my art, this imagined sparrow can forever dwell within my journal; perhaps someday I'll resurrect the bird so it may take flight in my mind's eye again.

I guess this is why I love Inverness, and all of its hidden splendor. If you take the time to truly stop worrying about trivial matters, smell the roses, and seek overlooked beauty, you will see there is life beyond the façade: you just need to look.

I guess in the future that's what I want. I want to seek out the hidden places, and embrace the forgotten knowledge. My world has taught me to see the magnificence of what lies beneath the surface. Now, the simplest of notions, observations, and intuitions can spark my mind to explore my overlooked organic surroundings. There is a unique adventure waiting to happen with every release of inhibition. There is picturesque art waiting to be captured with every turn of the corner. There is sweet music waiting to be heard with every pursuit of happiness and whimsy.

My wrist literally bears an indelible message, Carpediem. Seize the Day.
urbanoutfitters 4 / 8  
Jan 3, 2010   #2
I like where your essay is going. Focus on the words you are using for the essay, a lot of them are big, thesaurus-like words. A lot of people like to use thesauraus-like words (I do too) and you have to make sure that you use it so that it helps bring your essay depth and that it is neccessary. Just remember that universities have thousands of students applying and that admissions officers read essay quickly, so you want to grab the attention of the reader right away and make your essay succinct. The use of many thesaurus-like words were quite distracting.
Logical_Fella_C - / 33  
Jan 3, 2010   #3
This is definitely "an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are."

4- member

Add a hyphen.

Avoid using terms like "I guess."

I wish I could write as well as you do. :/
OP ekfoong 10 / 46  
Jan 3, 2010   #4
Haha so many people think I write with a thesaurus at hand. but in reality my thesaurus is in my brain :) so I should tone down my natural writing style so everything doesn't sound so ... contrived and rehearsed. Thanks for your comments and critiques they helped a lot
taquitolover64 1 / 2  
Jan 3, 2010   #5
I love your essay! It's so gripping, especially your description of the dead bird... Not only does this essay show that you "seize the day" but it also shows how much you stand out from your Stepford-like town. Nice job


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