This is my columbia essay for the prompt that says Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages)
It is still pretty rough so please criticize a lot. Thank you.
Trekking ten thousand miles across three states to live in a barren desert with no salvation is no teenager's dream. Forced to leave behind fourteen years of my life for cacti and an endless abyss of sand, I grudgingly moved to Arizona. The savage forest of high school remains replete with cliques and stereotypes in the perpetual fight for survival and popularity. An outsider finds it arduous to be accepted and acclimate to the unfamiliar setting. That outsider, unfortunately, was me.
The remarkable high school experience that I had hoped for seemed to be ripped from my youth and shredded behind me when my dad dismally told me that we had to move from Texas to Phoenix after my freshman year. All the new friendships that I had acquired were jeopardized by distance. My school, teachers, community, church, youth group, relatives, and knowledge of the city - all robbed from me.
My first summer in Arizona, locked up in my room I became a princess waiting to be rescued. The sun scorched the town, I had a dearth of friends to socialize with, and I had no license or car to go out to explore the bare wilderness. Ahead of me were summer nights to fret over embarking in a pristine territory: a new school.
The first day of school emerged. I had to fight my way through a sea of gregarious teenagers congesting the hallways, talking about their enthralling summer. I walked through each class, feeling like a spot on the wall: unimportant and unnoticed. But what I was afraid of the most was lunch-the social bonanza of the day. I wanted a fairy tale ending. But, I did not get that. My first week of school, I spent my lunches hiding in the library, consoling myself at the corner of an unused table. The days flew by, uneventful and uncompromising. Out of nowhere however, a friend sprouted from the ground: an angel to save me from my destitution.
Subsequently a chain of events transpired. Friends were easier to come by since I was already acquainted with one. In comparison to the past three years surrounded by loving friends and classmates, that one week seemed like an evanescent moment which helped me adapt.
It is a completely different terrain in Arizona, one hard for a high school student to familiarize, to truly feel at home. Some days, I wonder what my life would be like back in Texas, but each day is an obstacle not to be avoided; the sun sets and rises another day. If I had not moved to Arizona, my family would not be as convivial. If I had not moved to Arizona, I would not have met some of the most revolutionary people in the world that have changed my life. If I had not moved to Arizona, I would never have joined debate, finding a passion for it, along with other clubs. If I had not moved to Arizona, I would not be the person I am today. Moving to what others think of as a barren wasteland was an event in my life that engendered maturity and prepared me to enter society with confidence and conviction.
Hey kattylad,
First off, I think you picked a great topic! I can totally relate since I went through a similar situation..
Here are a few grammatical corrections:
..all talking about their enthralling summers .
I would suggest replacing the word talking with a more descriptive verb.. perhaps chirping or sharing stories
Also, I'd suggest combining these two sentences for more fluidity:
I wanted a fairy tale ending. But, I did not get that.
Overall, great job. I understood your message at the end and I wish you the best of luck!
Wow, great first paragraph!
Here are a few small things I found;
Ahead of me were summer nights spent fretting over embarking in a ...
During my first week of school, I spent my lunch hour hiding in the library, ...
It is a completely different terrain in Arizona, one hard for a high school student to become familiar with, to truly feel at home.
Some days, I wonder what my life would have been like back in Texas,...
I read your first paragraph -- you are on the verge of sounding desperately bombastic. Tenuously, somehow it held together. By the way, this topic has been hammered to death.
