Note: The following is my entrance essay to CSHP. Please help me in revising and editing my document. The max number of words it can be is 250, and currently, it has 225. Please also provide feedback on what was good about it and what it needs work on. Thank you.
Deoxyribonucleic Acid? As I listened to my father explain to his seven-year-old about genetics, his passion and career, and how life - as a whole - is truly a unique phenomenon, I stood in astonishment; it was as if my father's foreign language, science, spoke to me. Ever since then, I have allowed curiosity to become my sixth sense, questioning everything, from cancer to global warming; my father gave me the freedom to let my curiosity roam far past the stars, and he would always answer my thoughts and questions, no matter how ridiculous they were.
Out of all the things I have discussed with my father, I feel as though I am most drawn towards medicine. Whenever the topic comes up in a chapter that is being taught to me in class, I get very excited. Because of my interest in pursuing a career in the science department, I have taken many advanced placement classes in mathematics and science, and still, continue to do so. In the future, I envision myself of working as a doctor of medicine; the concept of being a superhero and being challenged to fight against nature's evils is just exhilarating. I want to make a difference in this world, and help others around me, and for this reason, I believe that attending the Columbia Science Honors Program is the best option for me.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,888 3555
Vineeth, please provide the entrance essay prompt requirement / instructions for writing in the next post so that I can have a better idea of what the reviewer expects to read as a response in your essay. It will also help me to focus your essay on the necessary topics for discussion and in the process, lower the word count to an even better level. The shorter the essay, the better chance you have that the reviewer will read the whole statement.
I can see that the focal point of this statement is your relationship with and the influence that your father had on you. One thing that you have to understand though is that starting the discussion from the age of 7 is not something that is believable to the reviewer. As a rule, the age of the applicant in these essays should remain vague in order to not bring the mindset of the child into question, which weakens the possibility of the reviewer believing what the child is saying. As in this instance, the tales a full grown man would tell a 7 year old about his job is simplified to sound fascinating to a child since it is tailor made to entertain the listener. However, if this is the same conversation that the father had with his 14 or 15 year old child, then the belief that the child could have been directly influenced to follow in the same path as the father is more believable and acceptable to the reviewer. I would go for a more vague reference to the age discussion if I were you.
Aside from that immediate point for correction, I will need to read the actual essay instructions in order to better advice you and offer more relevant suggestions as to how to improve the statement. I look forward to reading the prompt as soon as possible.
Sorry for the inconvenience Holt. Here is the prompt for the above essay:
Please describe your interests and background in science and mathematics
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,888 3555
Okay, there are two points for revision here. The first is the opening paragraph. If this is how you developed your interest in science, then it has to come from a place or age of actual ability to understand your father's line of work. That means, changing the age reference to at least Grade 8 level. An age when you would truly be considering your future profession and have already been allowed to accurately observe your father at work. This is necessary because the development of the interest, usually comes from constant exposure to your parent's work. However, at the age of seven, it is understood that you are not able to process the gravity of the task your father is doing yet. So we need to bring it up to a more believable age of say 13 or 15. That is when a person normally begins to get a direction in life.
The other correction is in the second paragraph. I just want you to remove the reference to the university at the end. It is an unwarranted reference to why you wish to attend the university and is therefore, a prompt deviation. Just stick to the discussion topic as indicated by the prompt. The rest of your sentiments will have a chance to come to the front in the other common app essays you will be responding to. Just keep this one focused on the topic requirements and nothing more.
Okay, thanks for the feedback Holt!