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Com.App. Essay- weak ending for a such a topic? experience impact prompt


Sam617 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2012   #1
Thanks in advance, onlookers. I was curious about my handling of this topic (a coworker murdering someone) and if I didn't exactly express it's compelling nature (to me at least) enough. The prompt was the 'explain an experience and it's impact on you' one. I think it's rare someone gets to write about this and I just want to make sure it's right..!

Also, I was wondering if the vocab used was inappropriate at times, or as if it appears i'm trying too hard to avoid a mundane, repetitive paper.

Of course, any other positive or negative feedback is nice! Don't hold back.

The experience I faced while employed at a small town Dunkin' Donuts is still fresh in my memory; this could be because of the recency of said event, yet it's too soon to say if Victor's story will be fresh in my memory for a lengthier portion of my life. It's to be observed that people are quick to pass judgement sometimes, especially on criminals. One can only speculate how those people's opinions would change if faced with the fact that the murderer they read about in the news was their friend. In my case, don't bother to speculate; the hardworking coworker I learned from blew open my perspective on people I know nothing about.

It happened relatively quickly. I was hired in April, and Victor was one of the mentors who taught me the procedures for using the 3-compartment sink and stocking coffee cups for the morning rush. He was always polite and welcoming, giving a warm greeting whenever I came into work. I was sixteen at the time, and perhaps because he was closest in age to me at eighteen, I grew closer to him than to the other workers there.

When I came back from a two month hiatus, I asked another co-worker of Victor's whereabouts once I viewed the sinks and fondly remembered him. Apparently he had quit; and two weeks after, he and a nineteen year old carjacked and murdered a man in Detroit. To say the least, I was shocked. He had even told me specifically the reason he moved away from Detroit: to stay out of trouble. When I found out that he and a soon to graduate nursing student had been charged of supplementary crimes that could get them life behind bars, the pieces would not add up in my head.

Perhaps in an alternate world, Victor would not have quit his job with me, only to get tangled up in the homicide of a boy's father. The world that presented itself to me bare and without secrets is this one; a world where an unfortunate thing happened to someone who expressed good intentions, and where the life of an innocent man ended. Naturally, I imagine the sorrow on every criminal's family's faces as they come to realize that the child they raised would be locked away forever. When I think about the circumstances that my associate will have to face the rest of his life, I can't help but think that there are other people like him.

I believe that everyone has aspirations, and I certainly affirm now more than ever that bad things happen to good people. It's a realization that forces me to outreach morally to those whom others condemn. I don't accept that it's in me to brush off a crook's judgement and murmur, "He got what he deserved." Those people can mean a lot to someone else.
Danamal 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2012   #2
The experience I faced while employed at a small town Dunkin' Donuts is still fresh in my memory;[ this could be because of the recency of said event, yet it's too soon to say if Victor's story will be fresh in my memory for a lengthier portion of my lifeI'm not sure if this sentence is necessary] . It's (In a college essay it is better to not use contractions: It's --> It is ) to be observed that people are quick to pass judgement, especially on criminals. One can only speculate how those peoples' opinions would change if faced with the fact that the murderer they read about in the news was their friend. For me, the hardworking coworker I learned from blew open my perspective on people I know nothing about.I knew nothing about? Didn't you know him? I would edit that sentence a little

It happened relatively quickly. I was hired in April, and Victor was one of the mentors who taught me the procedures for using the 3-compartment sink and stocking coffee cups for the morning rush. He was always polite and welcoming, giving a warm greeting whenever I came into work. I was sixteen at the time, and perhaps because he was closest in age to me at eighteen, I grew closer to him than to the other workers there.

When I came back from a two month hiatus, I asked another co-worker of Victor's whereabouts once I viewed the sinks and fondly remembered him. Apparently he had quit; and two weeks after, he and a nineteen year old, carjacked and murdered a man in Detroit. To say the least, I was shocked. He had even told me specifically the reason he moved away from Detroit: to stay out of trouble. When I found out that he and a soon to graduate nursing student had been charged of supplementary crimes that could get them life behind bars, the pieces would not add up in my head.

Perhaps in an alternate world, Victor would not have quit his job with me, only to get tangled up in the homicide of a boy's father. The world that presented itself to me bare and without secrets is this one; a world where an unfortunate thing happened to someone who expressed good intentions, and where the life of an innocent man ended. Naturally, I imagine the sorrow on every criminal's family's face as they come to realize that the child they raised would be locked away forever. When I think about the circumstances that my associate will have to face the rest of his life, I can not help but think that there are other people like him.

I believe that everyone has aspirations, and I certainly affirm now more than ever that bad things happen to good people. It us a realization that forces me to outreach morally to those whom others condemn. I don't accept that it's in me to brush off a crook's judgement and murmur, "He got what he deserved." Those people can mean a lot to someone else.

I really liked your essay. I can't imagine going through that. I would just go through your essay one more time to clear up tenses and sentences
OP Sam617 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2012   #3
Thanks, Danamal! I made your suggested changes, I think they were really helpful.


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