On a blistering hot day
Now you are ready to tighten up your writing. If you start with a reference to the hotness of the day, you should make that part of the theme of the paragraph. Don't leave any loose ends. You can use this imagery of a blistering hot day as a way of connecting emotionally with the reader. Share a moment. At the end of the first paragraph, now that you drew the reader into the scene a little, you can share a significant moment... you refer to being drenched in sweat, but what significance does that ultimately have?
Is the description of hot weather just arbitrary? You can use that imagery in some metaphor to make a point... but I don't know how... I think maybe it is best to get rid of the hotness theme and replace it with a theme that really captures your message to the reader.
I don't really know how to explain what I am thinking, so I'll just do a disorganized rant. I hope it gives you a good idea!!
Here goes...
You interest in psychology and neuroscience, that is where the essay becomes meaningful. The message you send the reader should be like this: I am choosing this school because I have put a lot of thought into it, and I know a lot of details about this school's program. In your essay, show the results of all your college research, and highlight your well-developed plan for the future -- do that by talking about common themes in the work of the professors of the school and the articles and books that you have been reading... Show that you are proactice about learning your chosen discipline and proactice about learning what the school has to offer. Do not waste any sentences like this
I saw groups of friends walking around, laughing and enjoying themselves The essay will be strong if it is based on your serious plan for contributing to one or more fields of study.
:-)